


there's no shame in choosing happiness (be honest)

by jeolmeoniji



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crushes, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Introvertion, M/M, Slow Burn, chenjino are best friends, college party, i guess, jisung must be protected at all cost, love letter, reflections on love self love and happiness, renjun and jisung share a class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23269900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeolmeoniji/pseuds/jeolmeoniji
Summary: Jisung never expected an apparently talented guy like Renjun to willingly come talk to him – and to remember his name. Jisung isn't the type of person people remembers the name of, is he?But Renjun smiles widely when they finally are closer, and Jisung also realizes that the world isn't fair since Renjun is really pretty with his sparkling eyes, and so cute that he has to raise his head a bit to look into Jisung's eyes.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Park Jisung
Comments: 22
Kudos: 158





	there's no shame in choosing happiness (be honest)

**Author's Note:**

> to renjun who lights up the world, happy birthday!
> 
> disclaimer: originally i wrote and posted this ff for another fandom, but i never managed to finish it and ended up deleting it from my account. i decided to use the same plot again and edited a lot what i had to accomodate it for our rensung and nct. i managed to finish to write this story in time for renjun's bd! i hope you'll like it <3

Jisung's always been a bit shy; his parents would say it's a bit of their fault, since they moved from cities to cities, during their son's childhood, for their work. Guess that always changing countries, classmates, languages, has disoriented and made Jisung more introvert. It's hard to open up to other kids, having this hazard of leaving at any time above his head, because for a child, time is an unknown concept and everything seems too long and too short. Jisung barely remembers with whom he's been friend in Japan, if he even played a lot with kids in China. Chubby faces blur and superpose with others, to the point that it confuses him more than anything else. No point in sharing friendship if at the end, nothing is kept in his mind.

By the time his family came back to Korea to fully settle there, Jisung's personality already developed enough for his shyness to be a permanent trait of his character. Jisung's quiet, but he still opens up to some people through middle school. He's old enough to value a friendship and remember people, and he also feels like he needs someone by his side, even if he's scared to open up. Though, he thinks that one or two people in his life is enough.

By the time he reaches university, he still really doesn't like to talk to people he doesn't know – Chenle would say, _that's the whole point of talking to unknown people: to know them!_ His two bestest of friends, the only ones he manages to be really comfortable with and with whom he can talk about everything, are Jeno and Chenle. Jisung is younger than Chenle by one year, but guess that being shy also is an opportunity for him to do better in school, and he's always been a grade higher than his age. Jeno is the oldest and one year above them in school, but he's also a close friend of Chenle being his neighbour, so that's how the trio stayed together all this time.

When it was time for Jeno to go to university, Jisung remembers he was a bit scared but also really curious to go see Jeno on his campus. He often forgets about their age difference when they are the three of them enjoying their free time outside of school, but it was sure a big change when suddenly Jeno became a university student with his own roommate and hell weeks of cramming. When Chenle and Jisung graduated as well, they joined Jeno and their parents were kind enough to help them find a flat to share near campus.

College is that life-changing period of time, where you discover what you want to do in the future, find your true love and spend all your week-ends at crazy parties where everyone is nice and also drunk. In fact, so far, Jisung's college experience results in the following conclusion: he misses his mom's homemade dishes, because eating four times in a row Chenle's special ramyeon begins to feel old.

And also, finding your true love, what a joke. So far, Jisung has made three acquaintances through all his classes, and it's already such an achievement for him, because he's always thought Jeno and Chenle are the only friends he needs – even if they don't think so and wants him to meet new people. He can't help his personality, he has already resigned himself to never be the flirty type of guy, easing everyone in a conversation and charming them and then making out a little.

Maybe by the time he's fifty, he'll find the right person. Right now, he's more focused on not passing out because of his papers that don't even have the decency to write themselves without his help. College is a huge lie.

“I totally know what you're thinking right now,” Chenle chirps, sitting opposite of him at the kitchen table. “ _College is a lie_ , right?”

“A _huge_ lie. I mean, no one ever mentioned that papers still are the hardest shit to do on earth,” Jisung groans, looking at his document open on his laptop as if it has offended his whole family. Surely it has.

“You'll get a good grade as always anyway,” Jeno comments, turning a page of a magazine he's reading.

“After how many hours of suffering!” Jisung dramatically exclaims, and then he arbors his usual pout. “Who said that college is totally different, since you finally study something you like? I'm sorry, I like dance and biology, and I may be a brat not understanding how lucky I am to have the opportunity to go to college, but going to class isn't the funniest thing to do and I've questioned my life decisions more in four months of college than I did in three years of high school.”

“I find college just fine,” Chenle says absentmindedly.

“It's because you go out a lot.”

“If you were just less _shy_ you would do the same and enjoy it too.”

The comment stings, and Jisung winces.

“I don't want to force myself into doing something that I tried and didn't enjoy much,” he replies, remembering the two times he went out. Not that exhilarating memories.

“Yet you always whine because you feel alone and how it would be nice to be in a relationship, but you never go out and try to talk to someone new.”

Jisung frowns, and intensely looks at a sticker he stamped on his laptop. Mechanically, he raises his finger and scratches it a bit.

“We are _not_ having this conversation,” he mutters, his mood suddenly worse than when he only had to care about a paper. He isn't up to stand Chenle's nagging. It's not always his best friend is upset because of how he acts, but who cares if Jisung talks less and doesn't like loud parties. Why does it seem like it's always so much easier for the bright and extrovert people?

“Chenle...,” Jeno warns, eyeing his two friends, worried.

“Hmpf,” Chenle only replies.

“I'm going to my room,” Jisung finally says, taking his laptop with him. Nice, now he's annoyed.

He hears some angry whispering in the kitchen after he leaves, but he doesn't care and sulks in his bed while watching again some performances of Taemin. He's pissed at Chenle, and he wants him to know. He doesn't care if Chenle is pissed at him, too.

It happens from time to time that Chenle and Jisung clash like that. They do have different personalities, and it's partly thanks to Chenle's outgoing nature that Jisung became his best friend. If Chenle didn't have talked and included Jisung in conversations or activities during middle school, Jisung wouldn't have learned more about him and they wouldn't be the confidants they are now. It's surprising to think that Chenle used to be so bad at Korean, yet he was still full of willingness to approach others and share his bright smile and loud laugh.

Jeno's quiet personality balances Chenle, and puts Jisung at ease as well. The tall and handsome guy isn't shy like Jisung, though, and he's not scared of talking to unknown people or of any out of the way situations that can stress Jisung. The latter internally thinks that Jeno's quiet confidence comes from how good he looks – it sure helps when people values you with only one glance, because you're handsome. Jisung sometimes wonders how nice it would feel, to be at ease like his two friends. He sometimes envies them. But most of all, he loves them a lot, because they are his best friends, and they love him too. They spent so many years together and know a lot about each other, and there's always this feeling of home and happiness when he's with them.

Chenle can be noisy, though. They all have their weaknesses, and that's the one that annoys Jisung the most when it's directed at him. It feels like Chenle wants to control his life and judges that there's only one way to enjoy something. He often can't see Jisung's point, hence how they clash sometimes.

Jisung knows his weaknesses, too; it's hard to acknowledge them. He tends to play like the victim and reject the fault on the others, when things don't go his way. It's easier to accuse others instead of his own lacking. He tries to work on that, but he's not always aware of how he acts. Jeno's here to quietly help him change his behaviour – Chenle's more straightforward most of the time.

It's only a little before dinner time that Jisung hears knocking on his door. He hums, still focused on his laptop screen, and Chenle's head appears, the door not fully open. He looks hesitant, a little pout on his face.

“Food is ready, Jisung.”

“Hm.”

Jisung never likes how their little fights create that kind of atmosphere between the two of them. It scares him, yet he doesn't say anything and acts oblivious, because he doesn't know what is right to say.

Chenle is the first to do something about it, though – because he hates it as much as Jisung, and sometimes the older one needs to take the responsabilities for both their sake.

“I'm sorry about what I said earlier, Sungie. I know that even if it's nothing for me, it's not the same for you and it can be hard.”

Jisung finally looks at Chenle in the eyes, and he nips at his lower lip. Still silent, he opens his arms and tilts his head to the right, inviting Chenle in a hug, which of course he doesn't deny. Chenle always looks like a puppy when he's given attention and affection, and this time isn't an exception. Jisung already feels lighter when Chenle hugs him and burrows his nose in his hair. It feels like the best place in the world.

Because he also needs to apologize, he whispers after a few minutes of this delightful hug:

“It's just that I don't know what to do to change my behaviour towards that without feeling anxious. But I'm sorry I was too whiny lately, it wasn't necessary at all. I should have noticed it was becoming annoying.”

Chenle hugs him tighter.

“Just go with your own pace, it's okay. And we're always here for you, you know.”

Jisung knows, and he's grateful.

“You both will be the end of me one day,” Jeno sighs, leaning against the doorframe, but he also arbors a little smile, relieved, and the mood is better already.

“Come on, Jeno! We need a hug with us three!”

He rolls his eyes, but gladly joins.

>>\---♥--->

Renjun is the one who initiates the conversation with Jisung first. He makes it look so casual, an attitude Jisung can only dream of and still finds almost unbelievable – wait, you _can_ talk to people so easily? Wow, humans are so full of surprise.

Jisung remembers that on his first modern dance history class, he's already signed up for being the lonely and quiet student who takes his notes diligently and answers questions. It's not like he thinks he'll try to talk to those sitting beside him, are you insane, interacting with unknown people, ew, gross, you might catch a friend, bwah – _you may stop hiding behind those sarcastic comments that you only use to ignore your fear of the unknown_ , Jeno would say. (Yeah, Jeno is that observant bitch.)

But fate has prepared something different for Jisung on that day. Since the class isn't that big, the lecturer has made them introduce themselves one by one, and they have to say something personal so they'd know each other better and blah blah. Jisung prays so hard to suddenly become one of his best friends and not screw up his first words to all those new students, but alas, trading bodies isn't trendy yet, and with eyes full of fear, he waits for his turn, still fully aware of being himself – and that means being awkward and self-conscious. Of course, they _have_ to stand up to talk. Jisung doesn't even know what he would say, so when his turn arrives, it's lame.

_I panicked_ , he explains later to Chenle and Jeno.

“Hello, my name's Jisung and I– I– _I can speak Chinese a little bit_ ,” he mumbles and miserably finishes indeed in Chinese instead of Korean.

At that right moment, Jisung has wanted to press the stop button and have a serious talk with his brain, because, first of all, what the fuck. And second of all, what the fucking fuck.

No one seems to notice Jisung's internal self-immolation – some students even look a bit interested, and Jisung thinks it's the best joke ever, because why would anyone be impressed with the awkwardest human on earth in front of them. Yet, the lecturer even tells him that he indeed got a good accent and he's curious about it. So Jisung tries to cut his childhood story short, doesn't mention that the constant change of countries made him become the actual lost human being he is, and just says “I lived in China when I was younger,” and luckily the next person has to introduce themselves and Jisung isn't under the spotlight anymore.

With a sigh of relief, he has sat down. And that's when he's noticed the stare of one of the students on him. Not like Jisung is the kind of person to look back, or to say hi with a nod once eye contact is made, or even to _offer a smile_ , so he panics, and lowers his head as if it would make himself disappear. Hey, let him wish all he wants.

Jisung doesn't remember anything that is said on this first class after all their introductions. He remembers he gathers his stuff quickly in his bag and is the first to walk to the door – to avoid the rush of the students exiting like him, or maybe to avoid being dragged in a conversation, what a nightmare it would be, needing to have small talk – and releases a sigh when he's alone in the hallway. But he's made five steps when the door behind him opens again a bit forcefully, and he hears someone call his name.

“Wait, Jisung!”

Jisung takes two more steps before realizing he's been the one called, because usually it doesn't happen. But even if he's awkward, he doesn't want to ignore people and seem rude, so he does his best and turns.

There, reaching for him through the hallway, is the guy who was looking at him a bit after his own introduction, and who later introduced himself as Renjun and who said he liked Taemin, and to paint and dance on his free time – which is, for sake of better words, _freaking awesome_ , to Jisung's opinion. (That's why he also directly thinks that Renjun is a king next to him, poor peasant, and that he would never dare talking to someone as cool as him.)

But Jisung never expected an apparently talented guy like Renjun to willingly come talk to him – and to _remember his name_ , for fuck's sake. Jisung isn't the type of person people remembers the name of, is he?

Jisung awkwardly stands still and waits for Renjun to say something – did he do something wrong?

But Renjun smiles widely when they finally are closer, and Jisung also realizes that the world isn't fair since Renjun is really pretty with his sparkling eyes, and so cute that he has to raise his head a bit to look into Jisung's eyes, on top of being freaking awesome with his obvious taste for whatever art medium exists (Taemin included).

“You can speak a bit of Chinese, you said earlier? I'm Chinese so that's why it kinda drew my attention. Your accent was really good!”

One needs to know that Jisung has no idea how to take a compliment. That's why he barely manages to utter an eloquent “huh”, his mouth agape like one's of a fish, _and here goes all your chances, well done, Jisung, as sexy as ever_.

Honestly, Jisung already sees from there Renjun thinking _why did I even try to talk to him_ , and he wouldn't be offended – okay, maybe he'd be a bit sad – if he leaves with an awkward smile that means _good luck in your life if you're always like this_. Jisung's used to it. Or maybe he's used to imagine that everyone will think of him that way, and even the slightest possibility of this happening had stopped him countless time to try to strike a conversation. That's a shitty way to go on with his life, he knows, it's quite a huge handicap, but _obviously_ Jisung's mind loves to boost his self-confidence.

But to his surprise, Renjun doesn't seem fazed at all by Jisung's obvious lack of sociability, and instead, offers him an endearing smile that purifies Jisung's whole existence. Why is there such an angel in his class?

“You lived in China, that's what you said? I'm from Jilin, in which city did you use to live?”

“Yes, hm, huh... I was in Shanghai. I don't remember a lot from that time though,” Jisung awkwardly replies.

“You remember enough to still have a good accent, and I know it can be difficult,” Renjun casually says, and why does everything with him seems so easy, simple and smooth? Is that the feeling of being able to get a conversation flowing normally?

“Thank you,” Jisung says, because he's still polite despite being awfully awkward.

“So, what major are you in? Oh, by the way, I'm not keeping you up, right? You kinda left fast.”

“No, no, it's fine! I, I finished classes for today. I, hm, I'm majoring in biology, but I've always liked dance so I took the opportunity in college to get it as my elective, so I have like, this lecture course and some dance teaching at the uni's studio.”

Huh. Does Renjun even care about why he takes this class? And can he like, stop stuttering? Jisung is hopeless, oh my god.

“Really, biology? That's some hard stuff, you must be clever.”

“Not necessarily. … Wha– what's your major?”

He manages to ask a question back! Jisung is on roll today! Interacting with new people! Wow! Chenle is shedding some tears in the background!

“I'm majoring in art, more precisely painting. I was curious about this dance history class so I decided to join. I think it's cool to see other majors, you know. That way, you can know people you wouldn't come across in your core courses, it's more exciting!”

Jisung is baffled by someone with such an optimistic point of view. He himself only thought of how awkward it would be, to be a science student lost in a see of art students, yet here Renjun is, looking really pleased to talk with him and to learn that they have different majors.

It doesn't look that much awkward anymore.

>>\---♥--->

Days come and go, the first finals week of Jisung's life seems endless and is the reason of 110% of the pimples splattered on his cheeks, and after a break that honestly lasts 0.2 second, Jisung's back at the flat he shares with his best friends to attack the second semester. With less energy than his first one, that is.

Classes begin again, the routine settles, and Jisung sees again the few people he knows there.

The three acquaintances Jisung's made so far in college are Donghyuck, Jaemin, and last but not least, Renjun.

He shares a lab with Donghyuck twice per week. He's met Chenle and Jisung one day they fetched him after his class, and they all had a good and funny conversation that left Jisung with a happy smile the whole evening, even if it has only been a simple exchange. Donghyuck never stops making comments in class, but maybe it's because Jisung seems to be the only one to bear his constant remarks that he's paired up with him for lab. (Jisung is on the quiet side, so it balances well with Donghyuck. And they have a great dynamic together because they are both diligent when working.)

Regarding Jaemin, he's in calculus with him. The only reason why they talk to each other is because Jaemin was late the first day, and he had to sit next to Jisung. Then, he had struggled with some stuff the lecturer was saying and Jisung had helped him. The next week, Jaemin plopped down next to him again, offered him a smile and an iced coffee, cooing at Jisung's confused stare, and they kinda became calculus buddies. What's funny is that Jeno knows Jaemin too, because they apparently shares a literature class together. The world is small, right.

Jisung feels guilty to still think of them as only acquaintances. They are funny, kind with his awkward ass, and always sit with him in their shared classes, team up with him when there's a group project. They are the reason why Jisung still has a bit of faith in humanity.

At the same time, they don't see each other if it's not for a reason related to class. They share bit and pieces of their hobbies and details of their life, but Jisung can't remember a time he went to drink coffee with Jaemin on a relaxing Saturday just because, nor has he ever gone to the arcard games with Donghyuck.

It's the obvious fact that they wouldn't spend time with each other if they weren't sharing a class, that stops Jisung to actually call them his _friends_. He would like to, though, to know them better, to stroll in the mall and watch movies, like he does with Jeno and Chenle. Donghyuck and Jaemin seem to like him a lot, too. But he just never really thinks of asking, and once he's home with his best friends, he does plans with them instead.

It's a bit different with Renjun, though.

He's really the one Jisung feels the more comfortable with. It's mostly due to his cheerful yet calm personality. He always seems attentive and interesting in everything, and Jisung honestly likes the attention; it helps him opening a bit more, because he usually assumes that what he wants to say will annoy or bore others. Having a positive reaction gives him more confidence and shuts a bit his anxious self. It feels like a breeze of fresh air, to talk freely during group work in class. Renjun happens to share stuff in common with Jisung, like how much they like Taemin. Some times, they chat more than they listen to their class, but never really disturb it nor get caught.

It happened once that they stayed together at the cafeteria to watch some dance performances on Renjun's laptop, before Jisung had to go for an additional class. It's a fond memory Jisung has, even if it can seem pretty mundane. But for him, since it's not something usual in his uneventful life, it means something _more_.

The new semester, while basically looking the same as the previous one because classes are obligatory, still shows its share of little changes. All in the first week, Chenle and Jeno finally meets Renjun, Donghyuck happens to have the same lunch break as Jisung on their lab's days, and Jeno brings Jaemin to the coffee shop in addition to his two best friends. They all mingle with each other a few days a week, and soon enough, they all are sharing a table in the cafeteria one afternoon, chatting like old friends, laughing – and pestering each other all for fun in Donghyuck and Jaemin's case.

One day they all are sharing a table in the cosiness of a coffee shop, Jisung doesn't say anything and just looks at each one of his _friends_ , how they seem happy and at ease together, and a warm feeling spreads through his body. He wouldn't trade it for anything. Being part of a group has never felt this nice. Their dynamic is surprisingly good.

He catches Renjun's curious stare on him, and smiles to show him nothing's wrong. In fact, everything's fine, really. And it feels even better when Renjun smiles back at him, his effervescent eyes disappearing in little cute crescents moon.

>>\---♥--->

“Do they really need to hang banner ads everywhere for Valentine's Day, in _mid-January_? I mean, they barely removed Christmas and New Year's illuminations, and big red hearts are already taking the place of snowmen and Santa.”

Renjun lets out a big sigh, eyes rolling while saying this. Jisung only scoffs a bit, because his face looks funny – and a little bit cute, too – but doesn't reply anything.

“We get it, okay, Valentine's Day is next month, but it totally kills the vibe, all those commercial strategies. And, seriously? Ads for _dishwashers_? Where's the romance in this?”

They have an hour break before their shared class, and they are currently sitting at the bay window of a café on the campus. Snow is melting on the asphalt, the sky is grey, but the illuminated storefronts following the streets cheer up the atmosphere. There's significantly less people strolling outside, compared to end-of-the-year holidays; the hype of those lazy and festive days is over, and everyone's a bit grunchy about it – Jisung's one of them.

But life continues, business is business, students have to go to classes and employees to work. Valentine's Day is the next big holiday coming up, even if it's in a bit less than a month, and advertising teams threw all their focus on it. It's a big festival of red, pink, white, cotton, candy floss hearts, expensive jewelleries and extravagant flower bouquets. Some ads are clearly ridiculous, as if they tried so hard to link their product to the day of love. It doesn't work for everything. Valentine's puns are also out, and the usual “I like you a latte” cafés use are next to the “You've stolen a pizza my heart” from the cheap pizza parlors students appreciate so much.

“I really don't approve all this,” Renjun finally huffs.

Jisung is a bit surprised that he rejects Valentine's Day with so much force. Noticing his puzzled stare, Renjun quickly adds to justify himself:

“It just seems so fake and forced.”

Jisung hums, understanding that point. But his shojo lover heart wants to give credits to Valentine's Day – after all, he _did_ read the entirety of Hana Yori Dango, thirty-seven volumes, and watched the two drama seasons and the movie countless time; Matsumoto Jun and Oguri Shun basically own his heart. There's nothing like a good Japanese high school drama from 2005 with every male character sporting a surprisingly endearing long haircut.

“If you forget all those ridiculous ads trying to make you buy questionable stuff, I think Valentine's Day is still a nice holiday. It celebrates love, and it's legit enough, it's a noble feeling, right? Like, it can seem overdue and so overrated, but hey, the feeling of two people loving each other deeply... I don't know, to me it seems a bit surreal, yet really endearing. Like you want to be in the same shoes as those lucky people having a love life. Really, how does it feel to create such deep emotions in someone else, just by being yourself? In a healthy relationship, that is...”

Jisung mumbles and doesn't quite realize that his reply begins to resemble an essay. He catches Renjun's focused stare on him, and begins to be self-conscious about what he's saying. Is it weird? He shouldn't feel burdened to voice his opinion to his friend, should he? He just felt like he should give more credit to Valentine's Day, and intellectualise it, despite how clumsy his words are. It's not because they are talking about _love_ that it's automatically dumb, right?

“I-it doesn't mean that if you're single you are a loser. Self love is important too? Anyway, being in a relationship isn't a life goal. People can be happy without that kind of stuff too! It's, hm–”

At that point, it doesn't really mean anything new, but he's suddenly embarrassed for carrying out. Love is such a weird concept that fascinates Jisung a lot, and he can't lie that he hasn't think about it more than a few times. Trying to understand it, how it influences life and people, what importance it has, in his life and in others'. He doesn't really know what it is, per se, so he can only theorize.

(He tries to ignore the ugly dark feeling wriggling in his stomach. _Be positive. Be mature._ )

“I see your point, Jisung,” Renjun smiles.

And it's such a relief, that his friend doesn't laugh, that he nods and looks at him seriously, without a hint of pity or mockery. A warm feeling settles in Jisung's stomach, shoving away his uneasiness, and he replies with a smile of his own, more shy but really grateful.

>>\---♥--->

Valentine’s Day happens to be a day where Renjun and Jisung don’t share a class. It’s even a day in the week Renjun rarely sees Jisung, because he runs from a class to another and their respective breaks aren’t the same.

On this special day, Renjun is thinking of Jisung more than usual. He can confess that Jisung is in his mind a lot these past few weeks. He remembers their little conversation about Valentine’s Day, how commercial it is, and how Jisung wanted to still give it some credit. Renjun remembers that he's found Jisung really cute, his eyes burning with passion, really involved in his speech, and maybe it’s at that moment that Renjun’s heart beat faster when looking at his shy friend. Jisung always seems to keep his thoughts for himself, even if he opens up more than at the beginning of the university year. Jeno has told him once that he was happy to see his best friend at ease with him. It has warmed Renjun and he’s a little proud, it’s true.

His feelings evolved quietly and now here he is, on Valentine’s Day, with Jisung in his mind and his heart fluttering like an high school student, yet he can’t see his friend. He doesn’t even know if he wants to do something about his feelings. They are new, and maybe it’s just a passing crush. Jisung is really lovable, it’s easy to fall for his charms, and Renjun wouldn’t want to ruin their friendship for fleeting feelings. Jisung deserves better, and maybe in some weeks it’ll be all gone.

So Renjun swallows his thoughts and goes on with his day. It’s rather uneventful, despite some confessions in the hallways and college clubs organizing activities related to the day of love. A bubbly atmosphere takes the entire campus, and it’s not unpleasant.

Despite the outrageous advertisements they can cross in the streets, Renjun can understand why Jisung still values this day. It’s cute that Jisung likes it that much, even if he doesn’t have a significant other. He looks a bit like those Disney princesses who believe in love no matter what. After all, what’s wrong in hoping for a charming prince? Renjun wouldn’t take it from Jisung. It’s part of his charms. It's a bit unexpected, true, under his neutral expression he usual shows, but when you know him better, it’s obvious he'd be the romantic type, with how his cheeks become rosy when he finds something cute or how his eyes are so soft when he looks at a couple holding hands. It’s so pure, Renjun didn’t know he would have a friend like him in college, and it’s refreshing.

He’s in his last class in the afternoon when his phone vibrates in his pocket. Taking the opportunity to ignore the lecturer’s speech, he checks it. The group chat their little group of friends shares shows a red notification, and the number keeps increasing under his eyes. Curious, he opens it.

And a picture of Jisung holding a vibrant rose next to his hamster cheeks greets him.

**Jenoyes:** oh???

**Lele:** i will even add: OH???????????

**Hyuck:** you got a valentine on this holy day, Jisungie????

**Jaemin the mom:** the rose is so cute, i’m so jealous (but you're still cuter Jisungie)

**Hyuck:** share the details! are they cute? what did they say??? and you??

**Lele:** Jisung, reply!!!!!! i’m dying of curiosity here!!!

Renjun freezes and stops looking at his phone for a moment. So, Jisung got a rose from someone? Renjun has never thought of someone liking Jisung, too. It’s ridiculous that he hasn’t thought of this possibility, because of course, he’s so lovable that it was meant to happen one day.

Renjun suddenly feels really dumb. A bit hurt, too. Is it jealousy that he's feeling right now? The idea of Jisung accepting the love of someone else should make him happy, because Jisung deserves it. But Renjun wants it to be _his_ feelings.

Eh, maybe he likes him more than he previously thought. Does it matter though, if someone else already confessed to his friend?

Messages keep coming, and he's too curious to ignore them, even if it hurts his selfish mind. He wants to know the story of this rose – by the way, Jisung is _too precious_ on the pictures he shared.

**Jisungie:** lmao

 **Jisungie:** i got no valentine sowwy

**Jenoyes:** what?

 **Jenoyes:** do you want to give it to someone then???

**Lele:** my jisungie is in love and i didn’t know???? what kind of best friend are you not to say anything to me!!!!!

Someone else liking Jisung is almost better than Jisung liking someone, Renjun bitterly thinks. Oh god, he's an horrible friend. Renjun feels sick. He didn't know he'd experience it on such a festive day. Who's the lucky one? Jisung never hinted at having a crush. Or maybe he never told Renjun he has one, because he doesn't trust him enough. After all, if even Chenle and Jeno didn't know, why would Renjun?

**Jisungie:** it’s not that!

 **Jisungie:** it’s just the LGBT club from uni was selling some to support them

 **Jisungie:** so i thought why not buying myself one :)

 **Jisungie:** plus, the girl said that it doesn’t change anything being single or not, self love is important ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

 **Jisungie:** that’s what i think too so i got a pretty rose

**Jaemin the mom:** our precious Jisungie………………

**Hyuck:** is there someone cuter than our jisungie on earth

 **Hyuck:** answer: no

**Jisungie:** yah!!!!

 **Jisungie:** stop embarrassing me (ノ_<。)

 **Jisungie:** oh…

**Lele:** is there a problem?

**Jisungie:** i could have bought a rose for each one of you :(

 **Jisungie:** i’m sorry, i only thought of myself

**Hyuck:** and that’s the story of how the world didn’t deserve P(w)ark Jisung

**Jaemin the mom:** JISUNGIE WHERE ARE YOU I NEED TO HUG YOU RIGHT NOW WHY SO CUTE

**Lele:** COLLECTIVE HUG <3 <3 <3 <3

**Jenoyes:** you’re too cute jisungie

 **Jenoyes:** it’s okay you didn’t buy us a rose, we don’t mind, you bought one for yourself and it’s more important <3

**Hyuck:** am i the only one surprised by Jeno’s loving words, he’s usually not this expressive

**Jaemin the mom:** The Power Of Park Jisung

**Jenoyes:** jisungie is my only love

**Jisungie:** i love you too but you’re embarrassing (〃＞＿＜〃)

**Lele:** we got our valentines couple!!!!!

Jisung bought this rose for himself, and it's only that simple. Realizing that he got carried away a bit, Renjun scolds himself internally. He should stop assuming stuff and then doing a big deal of it, for literally nothing true. He couldn't help it though, and maybe it's another proof that his feelings for Jisung are stronger than he thought. It destabilizes him; he continues to think of _what if it were true? What if someone else confesses to Jisung before I can do anything?_ He doesn't really find the idea appealing, and he's lost in his thoughts for the remaining time of his class.

He doesn't wait long to go back to his dorm room once classes are over, and when he opens the door, he dramatically falls on his bed, under the curious stare of his roommate, Mark.

“What got you so drama queen?” the older asks.

Renjun pauses for two seconds before deciding to tell Mark everything. He trusts him a lot, and he's almost like an older brother to him, but never tell Mark he said that. He's mostly chill – and serious, which makes him a really nice and trustful roommate – and proved a lot of times that his opinion is valuable. Even if they don't find any solution to whatever Renjun's problem is, at least, talking will help to clear his mind a bit.

Mark already knows about Jisung, because it happens that Renjun talks about him. He's never met him though; and he wasn't aware either that the freshman is giving such a distress to his poor Renjun. It's not quite Renjun's type to be dramatic and all over the place, and Mark is ready to help him as much as he can.

Renjun tells him the discovery of his _tiny-and-not-important_ -crush evolving into _hell-fucking-yeah-big_ -crush- _or-more_ with the events of the day – Jisung's rose, the messages in the group chat, the realization that Renjun is slightly jealous of anyone possibly having feelings for his younger friend. He knows it's not _nice_ to feel that way, because he doesn't control Jisung's feelings and the freshman is the only one to have a word regarding his own love life, but damn, is Renjun suddenly touchy with this topic.

“It's Valentine's Day, for fuck's sake, it's supposed to be an easy and bubbly day, I didn't ask for a whole questioning of my love life,” Renjun whines in the pillow that he's hugging, pouting at Mark sitting on his desk chair.

“Well, maybe you needed something triggering to realize what you really want. Also, I'm sure you're aware of it, but love is not easy, Renjun, you need to take it seriously.”

A scoff escapes Renjun's mouth, and Renjun rolls his eyes. Mark coughs, a bit embarrassed.

“You little brat. Here I am just trying to help you.”

Renjun knows and he thanks him for it; Mark finishes by telling him he should wait and see how he feels the next time he meets with Jisung.

Their Valentine's Day evening is so simple it's almost sad, but Renjun enjoys the chinese take-out that reminds him of home, and Mark has chosen a not so bad movie on Netflix that they watch on his laptop, so it's still kind of cool.

>>\---♥--->

Jisung's evening on this Valentine's Day is relaxing: Chenle has suggested the three of them watch a cheesy movie together, with greasy pizzas and sodas. It takes less than one second for Jeno and him to accept the wonderful plan. Cuddled between his two best friends, Jisung watches _Kimi ni todoke_ , and while Jeno grunts at how Sawako's attitude is weird and how she should speak louder, Jisung admires Miura Haruma's look, because damn, that's one good looking actor. His smile lights up his tiny little world.

The movie is over before eleven, and they all lazily go to their respective room to finish a late homework or laze around some more. When he goes to tell him good night, Jeno coos one last time at Jisung's rose that he has put on his desk, and gives him a soft smile that Jisung mirrors.

Once in the silence of his room, finally alone after a long day of being surrounded either by other students, either by his best friends, Jisung tries not to give in in the painful void growing in his chest.

He's tried to distract himself from it since the afternoon. It has worked when he was with Chenle and Jeno, but now, he's staring at his rose, and he wants to cringe. Feelings he wanted to ignore crawl back up his throat and suffocate him suddenly, because it's always like this with him. His brain is flooded with thoughts he tried so hard to cancel.

He feels too tired to fight back, and he's miserable when he faces the reality, laying on his bed.

Jisung hates himself. It's so ironic, to hate himself on this day which celebrates love. But he hates how childish, how jealous and gloomy, how yearning and ugly he is. He's only big words. He remembers his whole speech about love, that he did to Renjun one day, how wonderful love is but also how you don't have to chase it all your life because you can be happy without it too.

_Who am I kidding. I fucking want a Valentine too. I would love for someone to love me. It's so flattering. It must feel so nice. It's so selfish. I am a fucking child._

He acted as if everything was fine, trying to ignore how foolish he felt. He's so fake, to only show what he wants people to think of him. Oh, he relished in his friends' compliments on the group chat, it felt so good. At first, he really thought that everything was fine, that he was happy to have bought this rose for himself. He genuinely felt a bit disappointed he didn't think to buy a flower for each one of his friends. The rose is truly beautiful and Jisung felt _good_. Until his horrible, horrible thoughts came back, and he drowned in it, because that's apparently all he can do. He's so useless.

Honestly, it hurts. He's seen the pity in his classmates' eyes, when they curiously asked him where he got that rose from, and he replies he's bought it for himself. It's not the first time and surely not the last, and he remembers the time it was Chenle and Jeno who gave him that pitying stare. Even if they are his best friends, they are only humans, and sometimes you can't hide well enough what you truly think. Jisung doesn't hold a grudge against them. He knows he often looks like a kicked puppy and it's so annoying to appear like that.

He just wants a little bit of love, not in a friendly way, just to feel... something more. To understand what it is and maybe finds what's lacking in his life. It's so easy to tell himself that being in love will be the answer to everything. But everyone is making so much noise about it, he can't help but feel curious. Why does it seem like everyone got a bit of it, except himself? It's so unfair. He's acting like a child who wants the same game as his classmates, just not to look like a fool. It seems so _easy_ for others. Yet here he is.

He's so _fake_.

Jisung swallows and chases his tears away, his arm thrown over his eyes. In the silence of his room, he goes deeper into his thoughts, and there it is, the little box he tries not to think about too much. The little box where you can find memories of Renjun smiling to him, telling him compliments, offering him a coffee. Renjun absorbed in a book while waiting for him, spitting fire words to expose an injustice, laughing with other students in the hallway.

Maybe Jisung has a crush on Renjun. No, scratch that, it's _certain_ he has a crush on Renjun. He doesn't like to admit it to himself, because who is he next to Renjun, beautiful, funny Renjun, handsome, confident Renjun, my-art-is-thoughtful and my-eyes-are-like-stars Renjun.

He hoped... he hoped something would have happened today. It's dumb, because if he's truly wanted that, he would have done something himself. Would have find Renjun at the door of his class, and would have asked him if he wanted to go that café together, and would have muster enough courage to tell him, “ _I like you, Renjun hyung_ ”.

When he sent that picture of the rose he had bought, he maybe has hoped for a reaction. A tiny little bit of a hint of jealousy. _I'm an horrible person_ , he thinks bitterly. Renjun has replied like everyone else, although later in the afternoon. Only fondness and genuine care for his friend, so pure like always. And Jisung hates himself a bit more because he wishes for shameful stuff, and what if people _knows_ about this part of his personality.

Jisung realizes he would be _mortified_ if Renjun gives him a stare of pity, too.

He lays miserably in his bed, thinking and overthinking and not helping his heart to be at ease; because it seems like it's the only thing he's good at, making himself sad and upset.

>>\---♥--->

When he wakes up, Renjun has a nervous feeling in his chest. He knows it's because he'll see Jisung today, and he's still not really sure of what he'll finally think when face to face with his friend. He's glad for sure to share a class with him, but he's scared he'll make everything awkward with how much his brain is analysing and overthinking every little thing that he possibly could feel toward Jisung. He calms himself down with focusing on his tasks for the morning, and it's working well, because it's only when he's on his way to modern dance history that the churning in his stomach comes back. It's partly due to the stress, and the other half is from excitement.

Jisung is waiting for him in the corridor, sitting against the wall with his phone in his hands. He doesn't notice him at first, his face looking a bit upset and bitter, and Renjun is immediately wondering what's going on, if everything's alright. Why would Jisung be in a bad mood? It is rather unusual for him. He can be expressionless because he's awkward, but openly looking distressed is new.

Renjun swallows a lump in his throat and walks to his friend, greeting him with a cheerful “Hi, Jisung!” that makes the younger raise his head. A little discomfort is still present on his face, but he arbors a smile for Renjun, and even if he looks tired, it's better than the face he had before. Is it an act, though?

Renjun worries his lower lips, and plopping down next to him, he says:

“What's up? Are you a bit tired?”

Jisung awkwardly shrugs.

“Yeah, didn't sleep that well, and it's a bit more difficult today to stay focused.”

“How were classes this morning?”

“Kind of boring, to be honest. Yours?”

“Same. Yesterday seemed fun, you bought yourself a rose, right?”

Renjun isn't sure, but Jisung looks like he avoids staring at him; his smile widens but it seems – off.

“Yeah! You saw my pictures, right? The rose is really beautiful, kept it in my room. I think I'll let it dry later in the week so I can keep it.”

“That's cute. I kinda understood better what you said, about Valentine's Day. Some couples I saw were really cute.”

Jisung nods, spinning his phone in his hands.

“Yeah, I saw some too. Got almost jealous,” he adds with a small chuckle, and Renjun hits his knee slightly, rolling his eyes.

“Don't think like that,” he says, and when the words are out, Renjun wonders if it's really to Jisung that he's saying them. _He_ was jealous yesterday.

Jisung stiffens, and Renjun eyes him with a questioning stare.

“Yeah, you're right,” the younger finally replies in a whisper.

The door of their classroom opens, and the previous students inside soon flood the hallway. Jisung quickly stands up and says “Let's go”, entering once the access to the door is possible.

Their whole class is rather calm; Jisung takes his notes and when he's ignoring it, he stares by the windows, clearly tired. Renjun doesn't want to bother him too much, but he's worried, and doesn't know how to cheer him up. When the class is over, Jisung silently tidies up his notes, and Renjun finally speaks:

“Let's go grab coffee!”

A smile appears back on Jisung's face, less tensed, and he seems to slightly relax, which eases Renjun.

>>\---♥--->

Jisung and Renjun, since the beginning of the second semester, have taken the habit to spare some time at the library at least one day during the week. When Renjun isn't behind a canvas and Jisung in front of the dance studio's mirror, they have realized that it's nicer to study together. In the calm of the library, they manage to concentrate, and even if they often chat during class to their professor's displeasure, they are more studious by themselves with the several shelves of books around them.

This feeling is accentuated by the fact that they have found, in the very back of the maze that are all those silent rooms, a corner with a table where there's hardly anyone. It has become their own table, and since day one, they sit there. Renjun likes it, this routine, this stability, and this closeness. Jisung has told him it's one of his favourite parts of the campus so far; and the fact that he's a part of it, too, makes Renjun's heart miss a few beats.

Renjun sees that their friendship has reached a level where they are finally at ease with each other, not only two students sharing the same class. He likes it a lot, and it adds to the stability of his life, to have someone this close. Day by day, he learns more and more about Jisung, and he hopes that this trust between them, will evolve into the reliance two persons in love share.

It's a big word, but Renjun doesn't want to think of it too much.

From what he knows, Jisung has never dated before – which is honestly surprising for Renjun. It means Renjun could be possibly the first to take the chance of becoming Jisung’s boyfriend, and it would be a really, really nice thing. Renjun values Jisung’s well being, opinion and liking. Renjun doesn't want to settle for a nice friendship, and even if the results are uncertain, he wants to try and make it evolve into love – or first more accurately, into dating, liking, _something more_.

After many questions and brainstorming to find the ideal way to confess to Jisung, Renjun has opted for writing a love letter.

If he listened to random people's opinion, they’d say it’s dumb and so outdated; also kind of embarrassing. Renjun knows, however, that Jisung values this kind of things. He’s on the romantic side, and likes cheesy stuff. It is cute, okay, and Renjun is willing to go out of his way to do something that Jisung likes, because it brings a smile to him. Renjun is aware that he's found it cringy before, but since he's talking with Jisung, he realizes that doing sweet romantic and cliché stuff proves that you care, and that's what his friend values in those actions. Of course you can express your feelings by doing something else, but if it's what Jisung appreciates, so be it.

Renjun will write him a love letter, and he will hopefully see a smile blossom on his face when reading the words.

Cliché isn't synonym of bad taste. Renjun goes to a stationery store and buys a simple white and stylish envelope with a matching letter paper.

And then, he spends his whole evening writing and writing again drafts for what he wants to convey. The next day, he has another library date with Jisung, and he wants to give the letter now that he's got enough courage.

He's used to convey his feelings through strokes of his brush and with paint. His artworks are for everyone to see, feel and criticize, while words in a love letter are another way to show his feelings to the world – more accurately, to one and only person. As much as Renjun wants lots of people to connect to his paintings, he's even more eager for Jisung to be touched by his confession.

The change of medium is more nerve wrecking and he's second guessing every comma. Mark laughs a bit to see him in that state, but pats his head in encouragement – he's the one taking a writing class, so he's more used to work with words.

When the letter is finished, Renjun copies it on the white paper carefully. He reads it one last time, and after some fidgeting, choses not to sign with his name at the end of it. The plan is to come earlier at the library, put his letter at Jisung's usual seat, and hide. He really wants to see Jisung's surprised face when he arrives, and his reaction while reading; once it's done, Renjun will reveal himself and tell him face to face that he likes him.

They always are alone in this part of the library, so a confession there will feel private.

One thing Renjun hasn't really thought about is Jisung's reply to his feelings. He doesn't want to think of it too much, because there's the possibility he's going to be rejected. Renjun is a bit selfish and wants Jisung to know about his feelings, but he also confesses because he thinks it can bring a bit of joy to Jisung. After all, it feels good to be liked, right? And Renjun trusts Jisung not to play with him. If he doesn't like him back, Renjun will do his best not to make everything awkward. It's easier said than done, but he can't stay silent any longer. His jealousy moment wasn't a proud one, and he wants to prevent it from happening again.

>>\---♥--->

Renjun has thought of everything for his kind of plan: he's way sooner at the library to put the love letter on their table, and he's found the right spot to see Jisung without being seen. _Oh god, I look like a stalker_. He wants to surprise him, but he feels a bit silly while waiting, it really looks cliché, like a big gesture coming from a romcom, even if there's no one to watch them. But Jisung said that cliché is okay, so Renjun swallows the bit of cringiness he can feel, and waits.

Jisung is on time, as always. Renjun hides his head in his hands because of embarrassment when he sees that his friend has noticed his letter on the table. This is it. He doesn't know if he wants to suddenly takes the letter out of Jisung's hands and acts as if it's nothing – it is so nerve wrecking and he needs to stay still until he's sure Jisung has read everything.

Jisung still stands while he eyes the letter in his hands with a cautious stare. No emotion is shown on his face, which makes Renjun want to scream. Then, slowly, Jisung finally opens the envelop, and begins his reading.

Renjun's stomach is churning of stress and anticipation. He looks at Jisung's pupils moving right and left, eating the words before him – Renjun's words, Renjun's _confession_. He suddenly wonders if what he's written is good enough. Everything he remembers seems dumb. He begins to panic again, but it's not as if he could write it again, now that Jisung's reading his letter.

The time feels like it has slowed down, but finally, finally, it seems like Jisung's arrived at the bottom of the letter, and Renjun waits a bit longer to have an inner prep talk before revealing himself.

_Renjun will write Jisung a love letter, and he will hopefully see a smile blossom on his face when reading the words._ He remembers his plan, and what he's thought it would lead too. But when Renjun raises his head again with a determined stare and ready to walk to his friend, he's taken aback.

Never would Renjun have thought that Jisung would suddenly begin to cry – and not the good kind of tears. It's not filled with relief and love. It is fat, hurt tears, shed in silence, that Renjun realizes are streaming Jisung's face.

After the shock of witnessing such a reaction, Renjun finally moves, panicking. He takes the few steps that separate them, and for Jisung to be aware of his presence, he asks, worry laced in his words:

“Jisung? Jisung, what's wrong?”

Jisung seems to freeze, and he quickly hides the letter in his hands in his coat pocket after crumbling it without any care – if Jisung wasn't in such a distressed state, Renjun would feel really hurt to see his feelings so poorly taken care of. But right now, he's so worried he's almost anxious, and he doesn't know what to do.

Jisung wipes his tears with his hand, wanting to look casual even if Renjun has seen it all. He understands the younger wants to keep up appearances, but, aren't they friends? Why would Jisung act as if he's merely an acquaintance and hide?

Finally, Jisung raises his head, and Renjun almost winces to see how devastated Jisung looks, even if he tries to show casualness. It doesn't work, and Renjun wonders if Jisung knows he's a bad liar. But right now, he stares at his still wet cheeks, the redness of his eyes, how his nose runs, and, worst of all, the smile Jisung shows him.

A _smile._ A fake smile, so fake and barely together smile that Renjun wants to cry too. Why? Why is Jisung acting like that?

“I'm sorry, Renjun hyung, I need to pass our library meeting for today. I'll see you another day, yeah? I'm really sorry.”

“Jisung, what's wrong?” Renjun repeats, wanting to take Jisung's hand in his.

“It's nothing, hyung.”

“It's clearly not, Jisung. Can't you tell me?” He's pleading now, panicked that Jisung has built a wall between them. He can't reach him and it scares him. He doesn't talk about the love letter – his love letter – and waits for Jisung to maybe, maybe explain, say a _word, anything_.

“Sorry, hyung. I need to go. D-don't worry, okay?”

“How can I not worry if you're like this?” Renjun almost whines like a kid, and Jisung's lips twitches for a fraction of second, but then he mutters a last _sorry_ , turns away and exits their corner of the library.

It feels like a rejection, like Jisung crushed his feelings. Renjun wants to be angry, because he trusted Jisung; he really wants to blame him for the hurt he's feeling right now; but Renjun also realizes that what Jisung showed, the fact that he cried when reading a love letter, hides something deeper. It's not everyday someone reacts like that. Renjun doesn't understand because he thought it was something Jisung likes. There's something he doesn't know about his friend, and he discovered a glimpse of it, even if it raises more questions than solving any.

He lets him go because he's scared Jisung would be upset if he insists.

It doesn't mean he's not worried nor nervous though, so he thinks that making Jisung's best friends aware of the situation is a good alternative. He hopes Jisung wouldn't have tried to hide his distressed state from his best friends. Renjun can't bare the thought of Jisung crying alone and then acting as if everything is okay, even in front of Chenle and Jeno.

He choses to inform Chenle. Hesitating on the words a bit, he then decides that he shouldn't wait too much, and he just goes for it.

**Injun:** can you check on Jisung please

The reply is almost immediate. It's a blessing that Chenle is always hung to his phone.

**Lele:** ??? aren't you supposed to be at the library together?

 **Lele:** smtg happened?

**Injun:** he left crying

**Lele:** WHAT

 **Lele:** is it smtg you did or said??

 **Lele:** i like you renjun ge but jisungie is my best friend

 **Lele:** the fuck did happen

**Injun:** i'm sorry it's?? hard to explain??

 **Injun:** i really didn't want to let him alone but he left and didn't seem to want any company

 **Injun:** not mine anyway

 **Injun:** so that's why can you check on him

 **Injun:** also can we like talk later? :/

**Lele:** i'm kinda scared rn you know

 **Lele:** but ok you seem distressed too i'll ask Jeno to take care of Jisungie

 **Lele:** and you'll explain me everything ok?

 **Lele:** i don't have class or anything, meet me in 20min @ the main building

**Injun:** thank you

 **Injun:** and i'm sorry

>>\---♥--->

Chenle walks to Renjun who's already sitting at a table in the hall. Renjun looks distressed, so once settled too Chenle tells him directly:

“I called Jeno on my way, and he's already joining Jisung, because Jisung called him. He's not alone, don't worry too much about that.”

Renjun exhales, at least relieved for this one issue.

“Now, care to tell me what happened?” Chenle doesn't beat around the bush.

Renjun gulps. He had some time to think of what to say, and he had decided to tell the whole truth, which means to confess how much he liked Jisung, to Jisung's best friend. Well, Chenle doesn't seem the type to be overprotective. Maybe Jaemin would have been the right person for this stereotyped best friend, but it seems easier with Chenle.

“So hm, today was our usual study break at the library, you know? And, hm, I kinda. Ok, wait, I need to talk about something else first. So… I realized I like Jisung a lot. Like. A lot. … you see?”

Renjun facepalms himself – so much for thinking of what to say before Chenle's arrival. Chenle thinks that if he wasn't worried because of Jisung, he would have laughed at Renjun. It's not often he's awkward and he would use the situation if they both weren't that distressed.

“Are you telling me that you like my best friend in the _I want to be his boyfriend_ way?”

“Yes. Damn, when you say it it's so much easier.”

“And what do your feelings have in relation with the current issue?”

“I wanted to confess today,” Renjun explains, his voice a little gentler, a little lower, with a blush. “And it didn't go as planned.”

Chenle is at a loss, because if things went wrong to the point Renjun called him and Jisung cried, what the fuck did _happen_?

“You realize I'm anxious now?” Chenle says.

“Well, to put it simply, because Jisung often hinted in some of our conversations that he likes romantic stuff and all, I wanted to do an effort when confessing to him, so I wrote him a love letter, and planned to give it to him today,” Renjun explains.

Chenle's confused stare suddenly darkens, and then it's vulnerable, and Renjun wasn't expecting such a reaction.

“Chenle? What's going on? Is there any problem?”

“You wrote him a love letter, and... You gave it to him yourself?” Chenle's words are almost pleading.

“Hm, no, I left it on our usual table at the library. I wanted him to discover it alone, and when I was sure he's read it, I wanted to finally show up and tell him everything.”

“Oh god...,” Chenle whispers, and once again Renjun doesn't understand – he's hurt, too, because he can't shake off his head that Jisung _kinda_ cried reading his feelings and _kinda_ rejected his help.

“Can you explain to me if you know why he reacted so badly? I'm clueless and I'm doing my best not to freak out since Jisung left the library,” Renjun says, a bit more rude than he wanted, but he's on the edge too.

Chenle looks at him with a pained stare.

“I really believe it's not my story to share, but since so much happened already...,” Chenle whispers, and then he looks like he took a decision – not an easy one, that's for sure –, and finally looks into Renjun's eyes for more than half a second. He exhales, and says:

“Jisungie got a false love letter once, in high school.”

Renjun's eyes widen, unbelieving what he just heard.

“What?”

“Yeah, I know, it's, hm,” Chenle fidgets on his seat, and he looks _so_ uncomfortable.

“Who the fuck would do this?” Renjun comments, still astonished that a thing like that exists.

And that it happened to Jisung. His thoughts are in a turmoil; Renjun tries to understand what it implies for Jisung. But Chenle doesn't let him time to think more. He looks like he wants to end this as quick as possible.

“Jeno and I wrote a false love letter and gave it secretly to Jisungie,” he spills in one breath, like a person who rips a bandaid, to lessen the tension and the pain.

Everything becomes white noise around Renjun. Chenle's words don't make sense. And yet, he's said them. Renjun heard them out of Chenle's mouth. But _what_? _How_?

Chenle and Jeno wrote a false love letter and gave it secretly to Jisung? Is it a really bad joke?

“You did... what?” Renjun exhales, his stare uncertain, trying to find on Chenle's face what would refute everything.

Chenle bits his lower lip, and his eyes look uncommonly guilty. So, is it really the truth?

“You know, how in high school, we used to all have our individual locker? One day, with Jeno... we, we wrote a love letter, a bit cliché, without any name, and put it in Jisung's locker without him knowing.”

Renjun stiffens, and his eyes become darker.

“We really took it like a joke. We were bored and, we thought, why not? When Jisung arrived at school, we saw him opening his locker, and finding the letter. He... he carefully took it in his hands and I remember he took his time to read it. With Jeno, we thought he would laugh, or throw it away, but, but he kept it in his hand after he quickly took his notebooks for the day, and when he joined us later, he had...”

Chenle stops and Renjun sees the sadness and the guilt in his eyes. Chenle doesn't smile; and Renjun does nothing to make him feel better. His own stare is sharper.

“Jisung had showed us the love letter with an enormous smile and the cutest giggle ever. I don't think I've ever seen him like that before that moment. He told us he had found it in his locker, that it was adorable and that he was wondering who could have written it. He said he couldn't believe someone took the time to write him something, that it should have asked a lot of courage. He looked so... so _happy_.”

“You assholes,” Renjun whispers, spitting the words without regretting them at all. Chenle doesn't take offense, and after swallowing, goes on with the story.

“We were so scared to tell him the truth. He seemed delighted, and it truly was new that he showed so much pure glee. It was so hard to look at, because his happiness was based on a lie Jeno and I had created for our own _fun_ , and we were hurting our _best friend_ because of it. On top of being two idiots, we were two cowards, and we, we promised him to try to find who wrote him that love letter.”

Renjun feels sick listening to it. He imagines Jisung, how he must have felt at that moment in high school, and how he must have felt back in the library, with Renjun's love letter in his hand. Without knowing it, he has revived memories that Jisung surely wanted to forget forever.

“What the _fuck_ ,” Renjun groans, and he wants to yell, because he's so mad, and he doesn't know what to do, because what's done is done, and he can't protect the Jisung from high school, who fell purely and wholeheartedly for a love letter that wasn't true, that was a joke.

Chenle shrinks, but continues with his story, even if it hurts – but never as much as how much Jisung has hurt, and is hurting.

“We told him everything at the end of the day though. We tried to drop hints at him first, we asked him questions like _what if it's false? how would you react?_ And he didn't really sensed what we were trying to say – that it was us –, and his replies made us feel so bad – we deserved it, but it still hurt. He said he couldn't understand why someone would write him a love letter as a joke, and that it would be really too cruel to do so, and he would be hurt, and we were mortified, and when we told him the truth, when we finally were alone, _he didn't even yell at us_.”

Chenle stops and he looks pained to remember such memories, distressed. He's fully aware of the mistake he's done when he was younger, and it should ease Renjun a bit, because Chenle – and Jeno – apologized too. But it still hurts, even if it has happened years ago. Renjun learning it today looks like it revives the same feelings of that day, and the wound is open again. Renjun has reopened it, without being aware, and it's him who's mortified.

He doesn't know what to do.

“He cried a lot, but we apologized again and again and tried to soothe him. What I realize now, is that maybe Jisung was already a step ahead, and instead of holding grudge against us, he thought that he didn't deserve anything sweet, maybe. I'm scared that our stupid joke is the reason why he's insecure like that when it comes to love.”

Renjun and Chenle both stay silent for a few minutes, lost in their thoughts.

“I am... so sorry you're learning this story from me. I wish you wouldn't have, because it's clearly not our proudest moment. At least I wish it was Jisung who would have told it to you himself, but, but at the same I don't want him to hurt more by remembering it and trying to explain it,” Chenle whispers, still a bit glad Renjun hasn't stormed out angry. “Jisung likes you a lot, you know? I don't want to speculate or anything. But you seem close and I know my best friend, so, don't give up. For Jisung.”

Renjun stands up, and takes his backpack.

“I need to have a bit of time for myself to think,” he explains.

Chenle doesn't stop him, says _of course, see you later,_ and with that, Renjun exits the building, thoughts swirling through his head.

>>\---♥--->

Jisung feels awful, and he needs someone by his side. The tears threaten to spill out again, but he really doesn't want to be alone when he breaks down a second time. He's managed to keep it at bay when he's exited the library, but now that he's on the campus outside, it's hard to tell himself that he's in a public place and that the few students around don't want to see a guy crying. He tries to call Jeno – he doesn't do it a lot, he prefers messages over phone calls, and anyway he's never too far away – but he doesn't answer.

Jisung bites his lower lip, and opts for a message, asking his best friend where he is – in his state, he can't remember his schedules. Jisung wanders pointlessly, not in the mood to go back to his room, even if it would be the best solution to curl up in his blanket like a burrito and try to forget.

He knows he's exaggerating. It's dumb that he suddenly thought of this false love letter he got in high school. It's been an episode he's never talked again with Chenle and Jeno; the day following the, the _joke_ , he'd already acted like it had never happened. There was no way Jisung wanted to jeopardize his friendship over the incident. He's been hurt, but Chenle and Jeno were his best friends, and they had apologized and he knew they had felt guilty and even cried because they hurt him. So they went over it quickly, and Jisung thought it was _alright_.

Obviously, it's not. Jisung would have never thought getting a love letter in his life – the Jisung from high school already realized it's not because characters do in novels that he does in real life too. His only experience, if you could call it like that, is that love letters are only a joke if you get one, haha, look, how funny to fake feelings.

Where is this letter from? Who wrote it? Why writing one in college? Why is there his name on it and no name at the bottom? It bitterly reminds Jisung of the false love letter which didn't have any name at the bottom – because obviously, it was fake. Jisung hasn't realized until now what a trauma it's been for him. The tears he shed in the library came unexpectedly. He has thought he was stronger than that. Well, _surprise_.

His phone buzzes in his hand, and Jeno's text appears on the screen, _at the east building_ , and Jisung doesn't have time to reply that it buzzes again and that time Jeno's calling him.

“What's up, Jisungie?”

Jisung doesn't reply right away. The nickname eases him a bit. It's soft and warm like a blanket, filled with familiarity.

“I don't feel too good,” he whispers.

His voice is barely audible, but he believes that if he tries to talk normally, tears will spill instead of words.

“Can you come, please?” he adds.

Jeno hears him, and knows his best friend the best, so he doesn't question him too much.

“ _Of course, Jisungie. Where are you?”_

“Near the art building. Outside.”

“ _Got it. If you're not already, sit down, I'll be quick. Already on my way. Wait for me, ok?”_

“Yes. Thank you, hyung. I'm sorry.”

“ _Don't apologize, Jisungie. I'll be here soon. I'm hanging up, yeah?”_

“Yeah.”

He puts his phone back in his pocket, and follows his advice, finding a bench. He needs to wait a bit; his leg is restless and moves on its own, giving away his anxious inner state. His gaze is boring holes on the concrete, and he must seem really weird from the outside, but at least he's not crying, and he pushes the thought of the love letter he got at the back of his mind the best he can.

The paper is still crumpled in his pocket. He doesn't care. Maybe a bit. He doesn't really know. He just feels really, really awful, and he wants Jeno to hug him.

He hears someone walking rapidly in his direction, and when he raises his head, Jeno is there, a frown on his forehead, in an fitting hoodie, all long limbs and perfection, and Jisung smiles, because he's so happy to see him, but yet his lips quiver, and then the gate is open again and tears roll on his cheeks when Jeno sits beside him and engulfs him in his embrace.

Jisung cries again, his breath erratic and his tears disappearing in the crook of Jeno's neck, but Jeno is here, soothes him with his words, asks him to calm his breathing by following his, rubbing his hands lovingly on his back, and it feels like home. Jisung feels safer.

After some times, only his sniffles remains, and he's better enough to explain with a barely there voice the reason of his tears to Jeno. He knows he's not pressed to say something, but he wants to, even if it's a bit scary since he doesn't know how Jeno will react if he talks about the fake love letter from high school. It's true they haven't talked about it since it happened. It's clearly the reason of Jisung's trauma, but no ones can blame him for it – and Jisung doesn't want to blame his best friends either.

“I had my usual meeting with Renjun at the library today,” he begins, and Jeno hums to encourage him to continue, “but I was there before him, and when I went to our table, there was a letter on it with my name.”

Jeno's grip around his shoulder changes the slightest. It feels like Jeno hugs him a tad harder, as if he wants to protect him more. Jisung supposes the train of his thoughts: a letter that Jisung discovers out of the blue? High school memories are emerging.

“And so, I, I read it, you know. And it was, i-it was, a l-love letter,” Jisung says with tears coming back.

Damn it, why is he so _weak_?

This time, Jeno's hug is clearly more protective; Jisung's nose is crushed against Jeno's shoulder, but he's not really aware of the uncomfortable position.

“Jisungie,” Jeno says, and he looks alarmed, sorry, a bit lost. As if he's trying to understand what Jisung must have felt, as if he's trying to evaluate the actual situation and its consequences.

They are not good: Jisung is on the verge of crying again. Jisung hates being this sensitive and traumatized over one event, as if it has shattered all his trust. He acts as if it's nothing and he's an adult now, but the reality is clear: he doesn't trust easily. And especially not a love letter without a name, because the last time he has trusted one with all his heart, the conclusion has been that he was – is – a fool and that no one will write him a love letter. And what hurts is that now, a love letter has appeared again, and even if Jisung has wanted to believe in it, the hurt he remembers is too much to allow his heart to be crushed a second time. He's a coward, he knows, and he wishes things were different, but he's here instead, needing his best friend's shoulder to cry on.

He swallows, wills the tears to disappear, and carries on where he has left:

“And I read it. There were... really sweet words, but at the bottom of the letter, there was no name.” His voice is a whisper. “What, what does it mean, hyung?”

“I-I... Oh my god, Jisungie, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.”

The usually composed Jeno is at a loss. It's not often he's taken aback. Jisung knows Jeno says it because he thinks that it's his and Chenle's fault, that Jisung doesn't believe in love letters anymore.

And how _heartbreaking_ this fact is.

“I am so overreacting,” Jisung comments bitterly.

“No,” Jeno reacts immediately, “you are so not. You feel things differently compared to us, and it's not because it can seem too much that what you're feeling should be invalidated. If you feel them, there's a reason. I am really hating myself for being a reason of your pain, and I know you act like Chenle and I didn't do anything, but it's still the truth, and we can't erase that, so I want to help you now.”

Jisung feels a wave of warmth hearing his best friend.

Jeno chews on his lips; he's aware Jisung is reluctant to try to understand more of the situation – and he can't really blame him, because he understands why he's warry. But they can't do as if this love letter doesn't exist, can they? So he tries to find what to say.

“If you got a love letter, that means someone wrote it, right?” Jeno asks after a little silence.

Jisung shrugs, as if he doesn't really care, as if it's not even a possibility.

“I know you don't have a good experience with it, but I think we should find who wrote it. There are still feelings in it, so... the person writing it would maybe like an answer. Hm, there's no name on it, so I don't know how they wanted you to reach them but, hm, we'll see.”

Jisung tries to forget for a moment that it's not necessarily a joke, and thinks as well.

“Except me, Renjun knew we always are in this part of the library. There's hardly anyone coming by when we study there, and I don't think there's a regular or someone who could have seen me there often – I would have noticed? And in class, I don't talk to a lot of people, so I don't know who it could be...”

He doesn't voice that in that situation, the more logical person who could have written the letter would be Renjun. Even his other friends don't know their usual corner of the library, except if Renjun has told them. Chenle and Jeno are of course excluded. Jaemin? He cares for him like he cares for all of them, but maybe his treatment to Jisung is a bit more affectionate because Jisung looks like a lost kid 99% of the time. Donghyuck? He has once told him how flustered he is when he's in front of the one he likes, when he has recalled one of his crush in high school. Jisung has never seen Donghyuck blushing when talking to him, or having gestures that could give away that he likes him.

“What are you thinking about?” Jeno asks.

“Silly stuff.”

“Come on, I don't think so. Do you have any hint or something?”

“No one knows enough about my library schedules with Renjun to be able to drop me this letter. Except, hm, well, Renjun?”

“Oh.”

Jeno nods and hums, thinking about it more.

“That is... a possibility.”

Jeno looks at Jisung's face, and he really can't hide him anything.

“Maybe it's not good to suppose too soon, but... what if it's Renjun who wrote you this?”

“ _What if_ s lead nowhere,” Jisung mumbles, but he's blushing, and he knows and he hates it, but a new wave of emotions is raising in him.

“Jisung, what do you think of Renjun?” Jeno asks gently, but clearly with the intention of having an answer. “You know you can tell me everything?”

“I know, hyung...”

Jisung thinks he has hidden it for a bit now, and maybe it will feel good to share his secret with Jeno – then later, Chenle. He could get advices; after all, he knows nothing when it comes to relationships.

“I like him,” he confesses shyly.

Jeno finds him incredibly cute at this right moment, and he wants to cuddle him.

“That's so nice. Did you ever think of doing something about it?”

“I-I don't know. Not really. It's kinda scary? I feel hopeless, to be honest.”

“It's okay, Jisungie.”

Jisung talks again after a few moments:

“So I would be really happy if it turns out he's the one writing it. But I don't really... want to have my hopes high. Because we're certain of nothing. It would– it would hurt, more than it did in high school, because in high school I didn't have anyone I liked.”

Jisung's words are heavy and an open door on his heart. Jeno wonders why someone so innocent has to shed so many tears.

“It's totally understandable, Sungie. Hm, what do you want to do, now? Wait a bit, if someone reaches to you, or do some research? We can help.”

“Can we think about it later? I'm tired now,” Jisung pouts, because emotional breakdowns are bitches until the end.

“Of course.”

They gather their stuff, and walk back to the bus stop to join their flat. They talk about other subjects, but at one point, Jeno asks about Renjun, since he and Jisung were supposed to study at the library.

“When he arrived, he saw me crying and was worried, but I didn't want to explain everything to him, so I told him I needed to go, and not to worry...”

He's a bit ashamed now, thinking of the way he fled out of the library.

“Be sure to send him a message to tell him you're fine? Knowing Renjun, he's for sure worried.”

“Yeah, I'll do that.”

>>\---♥--->

When Jeno closes Jisung's door after being certain that he got things to entertain himself – Jisung told him there is a livestream of a choreographer he adores that is on –, there is some noise in the entrance, and he sees Chenle putting his shoes off. He looks at him with a little smile, although tensed.

“How is he?” Chenle murmurs.

“Still a bit overwhelmed, but I left him alone so he can recharge by himself. I think I'll prepare some cocoa for him.”

Chenle nods, and follows Jeno silently in their small kitchen. The two best friends work in sync, and while Jeno gets the milk in the fridge, Chenle gets three mugs – their three mugs that match and that Jisung bought as a present for them to celebrate the beginning of their colocation. The cute mouse on Jisung's mug seem to look right into Chenle's soul.

“I talked with Renjun,” Chenle finally says.

Jeno hums.

“Jisung told you about the love letter he got, right? Well, it's actually Renjun who wrote it.”

Jeno isn't that surprised; he wasn't a hundred percent sure before, but now it is all clear, all logical, that the letter Jisung got is from Renjun. They spend so much time together, and not any of their other friends knows in which part of the library the two of them usually hide to study together.

Jeno is happy that Jisung told him with a little voice that he likes Renjun; Jeno knows how much feelings are something that are important to Jisung, as much as they scare him. He also knows that Jisung acts different towards emotions. Jisung has a hard time opening to others, but it also means that when he's got himself feeling something, the intensity is higher than for normal people. Jisung takes them really seriously, to the point he can make himself sick and worried. It can be a curse but Jeno admires this part of Jisung so much.

Knowing that Jisung's feelings are reciprocated, he feels relief wash through him.

“Jisung told me today that he likes Renjun,” Jeno says calmly. He knows Jisung would have told Chenle soon too, because usually he shares information about himself equally to his best friends.

“I had a hint... you know Jisung can't really hide his own feelings. His eyes become so soft when he looks at Renjun, and he listens to him very carefully, I mean, more than with us, if that makes sense?” Chenle smiles. “I was just waiting for him to tell us.”

Jeno ads the cocoa powder to the milk and mix it carefully.

“So it means that neither of them knows the other's feelings,” he continues. “But we do.”

“I don't want to leave Jisung in that uncertain state where he doesn't know who wrote the letter, while we do. I don't think he'd like us to hide it from him, but at the same time it feels to me like Renjun should be the one telling him?”

“He has a suspicion it's Renjun who wrote it as well, but you know how he's wary of getting his hopes high.”

The words stay between the two of them, heavy.

“I would like to go back in time and slap myself,” Chenle grumbles.

“Yet we can't,” Jeno reasons with a sigh. “I have the same desire as you, but it doesn't help to think like this in that situation. We were really childish and dumb, but now we have to do everything in our power to help Jisung through this. Not to redeem ourselves, but for Jisung.”

The hot cocoa is ready and Jeno moves the pan to pour the drink in their mugs. The sweet perfume calms their fidgeting state a bit.

“What do we do?”

“I'll talk with Renjun,” Jeno decides. “We shouldn't let the situation stagnate for too long, don't you think?”

“I think Renjun doesn't really want to talk with us right now,” Chenle winces.

Jeno looks sadly at Chenle. If they hadn't been such two idiots, if they had thought of the consequences of their own fun, nothing of all that would have happened. And now, even years after, they are scared to do badly again. But they want to try, and the only thing they are sure of is that they want to make Jisung happy. And Renjun is who can make Jisung happier, for sure.

“I'll find a way,” Jeno finally says.

He takes Jisung's mug in his hands, and carefully walks to Jisung's bedroom.

>>\---♥--->

Renjun gets a message from Jisung later that day. Seeing his name on his phone, and the words that want to reassure him, he feels a bit more at ease, and happy that Jisung hasn't closed himself up from him. He's still puzzled though, and angry at Chenle and Jeno. He doesn't understand why Jisung would stay with them after such a move. How can he still trust them?

But it's not his own story; until now, from what he's seen from the trio dynamics, all is well between them, so he doesn't want to impose his thoughts. He just needs his own time to get over it, he just feels... really protective over Jisung. No one's perfect and is allowed to do mistakes, and it's not like Renjun could go back in time to prevent what happened from happening. He needs to go with how life is right now.

He tries not to think too much; as much as he wanted a reply from Jisung, he's worried for him and only wants him to get better. His feelings right now urge him to be sure that Jisung is okay, and at the same time he needs to put them aside not to make the story all about himself. Jisung got overwhelmed by his letter, but he also has the right to know that Renjun never wrote it with the intention to hurt him, and Renjun wants to reassure him and tell him that every word he put in it is genuine and with the only motivation to (hopefully) make him happy and realize that he's worth so much and allowed to hog others' attention.

Even in period where Jisung could ask for people's help, he doesn't ask for too much. Renjun has noticed it, because often Jisung fidgets a lot and looks sheepish after a good few minutes when he finally dares to ask Renjun a question or a random thing. It's cute until Renjun is sad that Jisung looks afraid. But lately it's getting better. And when Jisung left the library crying, Renjun has been so relieved to know from Chenle that Jisung has contacted Jeno so he wasn't alone and could confide what was on his mind to someone he trusts a lot.

Renjun wants to be that person Jisung goes to.

The rest of the day is pretty uneventful for him – and he's glad, because the morning has been quite a rollercoaster. He focuses on an artwork that is due soon, and that helps his mind to blank out for a few hours.

When he emerges from his studious work, Mark is back from his last class of the day. He has a big smile on when Renjun finally notices him – he's used to Renjun being so focused that he's unaware of what's around him.

“So, how are things between you and Jisung?” He wriggles his eyebrows.

Renjun sighs, and the defeated face he puts up alarms Mark, whose smile disappears and is replaced by a worried pout.

“What happened?”

Renjun doesn't want to share Jisung's memories, so he simply explains that Jisung got overwhelmed and hasn't let Renjun reveal himself, and that he doesn't blame him and that it's a little complicated but not impossible to resolve. Mark, sensing that he shouldn't ask for details because it's not his story, pats Renjun's shoulder.

“I hope you both can talk soon, then. Knowing you, you can't spend too much time far away from your little Jisung. And it must be the same for him.”

Renjun flushes, and Mark is happy to fluster his roommate a bit because it doesn't happen often.

Later that evening, Renjun gets a message from Jeno, simply asking him if he has time to meet him to talk. Renjun assumes that it's about Jisung, and that Chenle has told him about their conversation. He feels a wave of annoyance, but then it goes away, and he tells himself that it's for Jisung's sake.

They decide on meeting the next day for a coffee, and Renjun is a bit cold through his text, but Jeno doesn't take offense, and thanks him for accepting to meet with him.

>>\---♥--->

Jeno greets Renjun with his usual smile that hides his eyes, and it eases Renjun a bit. He sits down at the table where Jeno already has a jasmine tea ready for him, and Renjun thanks him and tells him that he didn't have to, but his friend dismisses it and takes a sip of his own cappuccino instead.

“How are you? And how is Jisung?” Renjun asks, more eager to know about Jisung's whereabout, but not forgetting about Jeno.

“I'm fine. And Jisung is enjoying his time in our flat. You know how he can keep himself entertained inside.”

They both smile a bit, with that characteristic fondness anyone has when talking about Jisung, because he's that lovable.

“So, Renjun. I know it's not the most ideal situation right now, but Chenle and I want to help. Chenle told me yesterday that you're the one who wrote the love letter Jisung got in the library.”

Renjun is not surprised the best friends shared this information between them, and even if he feels a bit nervous because they are talking about his feelings, he knows there is no other way to make the situation go further.

“Did you tell Jisung it was from me?”

Jeno shakes his head.

“I didn't. I actually saw the letter on his desk, but I didn't tell him, because I think he would be happier if he hears it from you.”

Renjun feels a sense of relief to know that Jisung hasn't discarded his letter. Even in his shaken state, Jisung took care of the feelings that were poured on the paper, and Renjun can't help but find it heartwarming.

“I wanted to talk about Jisung, a bit,” Jeno continues. “He was quite overwhelmed yesterday, and it pained me to see him like this.”

“It was partly your fault, though,” Renjun can't help but comment. Jeno looks at him with that hint of remorse and sadness.

“You're right. If it wasn't for how dumb his two best friends were when younger, Jisung would have reacted an other way.”

Renjun notices that Jeno doesn't try to justify his past behaviour, just like Chenle, and instead shows that what he values is Jisung's feelings.

“I am happy you like Jisung,” Jeno suddenly says.

Renjun arcs an eyebrow, a bit taken aback. Jeno scratches the back of his head and tries to explain himself.

“Listen, it's just that... I am Jisung's best friend and I know him a lot, and it's been a few months that I know you and that we became friends. Jisung doesn't open up easily. It's part of his personality, and I mean, of course we can't be all outgoing. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I tend to forget it, but I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. I only want him to be happy, he's my best friend. So when he talked about you, I was curious, and proud also, that he managed to become friend with someone else. You're really nice, Renjun, and I don't think you really know how much Jisung values your friendship, too. I'm maybe a little jealous to see my baby talking so much with someone else, because it was always the three of us, you know? I think Chenle and me dotted a lot on him.”

Renjun lets Jeno search for his words, to tell him what's on his mind, and even if Jeno is his friend, they don't know each other since that long of a time, and they haven't talked about such an intimate subject before.

Through Jeno's eyes, Renjun understands a new facet of Jisung's life.

“He's so shy. He blames himself for everything. I remember I saw him looking at a quote one day, what was it again?” Jeno thinks out loud. “ _There's no shame in choosing happiness._ It seemed to echo in him a lot. And I see him trying and struggling to allow himself to be happy. This episode with the love letter is a proof of it. You know, I know a lot of things about him, but sometimes I may not understand fully why so much thoughts are making his life harder. But if there's one thing I want for him, it's all the happiness in the world. Because even if he doesn't think he deserves anything, he _does_. He's proved countless times how caring and genuinely kind he is. He'll find every little reason possible to think he's done something bad, but have you ever met someone like him before? He often says he's lucky he has Chenle, and me, and you all, but I truly think it's the other way around. _We_ are lucky to have him. And... and it feels like we don't prove it to him enough.”

Renjun's throat tightens, and he feels a bit overwhelmed. All his conversations with Jisung come back to his mind, and every little emotion that Jisung gradually allowed himself to show in front of Renjun. The happy smiles and caring words, the enthusiast tirades and reassuring silences. The hidden envious stares and the shy hopes.

“If we are the group of friends we are today, it's thanks to Jisung, really. If we're stuck together, it's because Jisung showed to all of us how much he cares, and wanted to make us meet and share the same love he gives to each one of us. And he did that in such a simple, easy way, that we didn't even realize.”

Jeno's eyes are a bit shiny. He laughs a little, to ground himself, to say what he needs to say to bring the happiness Jisung deserves in his life.

“Renjun, the fact that you wrote him a love letter because you noticed that he likes that kind of things, even if it turned out he was shaken because of a memory you didn't know about, it still really makes me so happy for him. Because if Chenle and I haven't been two fools of best friends in high school, Jisung would have made this beautiful shy and flustered smile while reading your words.”

Jeno finishes his long rambles by looking directly into Renjun's eyes.

“And I would like you to try again, for Jisung's sake, and confess to him.”

There is determination in Jeno's voice, and also the implied confirmation that Renjun shouldn't fear being rejected by Jisung. Jeno hasn't expressly told Renjun that Jisung reciprocates Renjun's feelings, but his words give him the confidence he needs to act upon them once again.

>>\---♥--->

Jisung looks at the message that is opened on his phone; Jaemin has shared with him the information of a party that is happening the evening of that slow Saturday. It's not the first time Jaemin talks to him about a party going on that he plans on joining, but it's the first time Jisung actually wonders if he'll try to join as well.

He knows Jaemin will be there with Donghyuck, because as he has learned before, the two of them are quite the fun and party type, which is something that Jisung would like to be as well, from time to time. He knows that some days Renjun joins them, and when he checks his Instagram stories, in his bed, more often than not, Jisung sees colorful lights and hears loud music coming from someone's out of campus flat or from some club in town. In the middle of the cacophony, here is Renjun, glowing and having fun.

Chenle and Jeno like to go out as well, not often, but for sure more than Jisung does. He's totally fine when he spends his Saturday nights in his room with a series, and he's fine when he needs to do the breakfast for his two best friends on a late Sunday morning that is more of a lunch.

Jisung avoids to go out. It's just that he remembers the weird taste of alcohol, the people physically too close to him, a few stares that scared him, and the overall really awkward atmosphere, as if he doesn't fit there, even if he's tried to find an interstice to slip his slim body in, to fold himself, to look like any other person partying. At the end of the two experiences he's had, he's decided that there was no point trying further if he only felt worse after the end of it all, and not because of an hungover.

But it's also been a semester, and Jisung has met new people, and he thinks that maybe if his new friends take care of him a little bit, he'll finally understand what's so cool about partying and for a few hours, forget his usual calm and awkward self. He doesn't know if he should react like this, try something so different from his usual way. He wants to forget a bit that the day before, he was crying over a love letter. The feelings of hope and self-pity clash in his tired brain, and he just wants for once to feel closer to what the others enjoy.

He knows that if he asks Chenle to come with him, he'll say yes, and that he'll take care of him. And he thinks that it could be fun, a new step, toward what he'd like to become. He doesn't want to change himself completely, because he's still quite happy with what he has going on in his life – his friends, his hobbies – and he doesn't want to shame himself more for being a tad different. There's no shame in that and he just needs to find what is right for him, right?

And today he wants to try to take this step and be in front of what usually scares him a bit, to work on himself. The sentiments of seeing what he craves for being so far away from his grip would at least stay away for a few hours, he hopes. He doesn't know if Renjun will be there, nor does he know if he should invite him, but probably Jaemin has invited all of his contacts, and Renjun is part of them.

“What's up, Jisung?” Chenle asks from the couch, when he sees his best friend going out of his room.

“Jaemin hyung sent a message about a party.”

“Oh yeah, I saw it. I think he plans on going with Donghyuck hyung. Some friends from the Chinese association I know are going as well.”

“And you aren't?” Jisung asks shyly. Maybe if Chenle says that he's planning to, Jisung could casually asks to join as well. But Chenle shakes his head.

“They just put new Ghibli movies on Netflix, and I thought we could watch a few of them together tonight!”

Jisung has seen this information a few weeks before, and he remembers he was so excited about it that he had told every person of his circle about this wonderful news. He feels happy that Chenle remembers, but at the same time, he's made his mind about the party and for once, he doesn't want to back out. Even if he feels a bit anxious, he wants to surpass himself and try to enjoy.

“Actually, I thought that maybe we could go together to that party Jaemin hyung was talking about?” he asks, a bit sheepish, a bit scared of how much out of character he seems.

He's not surprised Chenle looks at him with question marks in his eyes.

“You want to go out tonight?”

“I mean, it's Saturday night, right?” he laughs a bit to make it seem less awkward, but the opposite happens. Chenle straightens on the couch, serious.

“Jisung, you don't have to force yourself to do whatever it seems like other college students do, if you don't feel good about it. You know that?”

“I know. But I also told myself that I wanted to try, once again. Jaemin and Donghyuck hyung will be there, as well. Maybe it would be fun with them too.”

Chenle is still a bit wary, and Jisung can't blame him. He knows he's protective of him, and even if he remembers how months ago Chenle told him that he needed to be less shy, he's apologized and understood how Jisung works. At the same time, Jisung doesn't want to feel bad to try again and to go out of his safe zone.

“Of course, I'll go with you if you want to go to this party. We'll make sure it'll be fun for you,” Chenle finally says with a smile. Jisung mirrors it. “Can I chose your outfit?” he adds.

Jisung sighs of relief.

“Please. I have no idea what to put on, I beg you to help me.”

Chenle laughs this fun dolphin laugh of him, and stands up to go to Jisung's room and analyze his wardrobe. His head deep in his shirts in search of a good one, he says:

“I'm happy you're trying to go out of your comfort zone, but I also want you to be safe. If you're trying this because you want to prove something to yourself, because of what happened yesterday...”

Jisung understands his train of thoughts, because he thought about it too. However, he doesn't plan on knocking himself unconscious with an unholy amount of alcohol, just to prove himself that he can do it. There's no point in that, and he's clever enough to know it.

“I won't do anything dumb. I don't want to. Maybe what happened yesterday is part of my decision to go out tonight, but I have enough respect in myself not to do dumb shit. I genuinely want to go out with all of you to work on myself a bit more, because I feel like I'm ready to do it and I want to. I'm sorry to make you worry, but really, you don't have to. As long as you keep an eye on me so I don't feel lost in the sea that we're gonna go through, I'll be fine," he finishes.

Chenle looks at him, and nods.

“If that's what you want, I'm fine with it, you know that. And I'm proud of you for trying. It's like seeing my own child growing up,” he jokes, and Jisung whines, a bit embarrassed. However, he knows he's not being mocked. He already feels a bit of his fear regarding tonight melting away. Good.

Jeno comes back home to Jisung and Chenle looking at make-up videos on Chenle's laptop.

“This eye make-up is pretty,” he comments, eyeing the girl on the video applying sparkles on hey eyelid with a little brush.

“See! That's what I told Jisungie but he finds it too dark.”

“I like the sparkles, though. Maybe just less and with a more pastel color,” the younger replies.

“You want to try on some make-up, Jisungie?” Jeno asks, tilting his head.

“Yeah!” Chenle answers for him. “We're going out tonight, hyung! The three of us!”

Jeno genuinely seems confused.

“What?”

“Jaemin invited us to a party,” Jisung explains. “It could be fun, if you guys are here.”

“Jisung, if you're not comfortable–”

“I want to try. Chenle already chose my outfit, too.”

Jeno looks at Jisung's face, and even if Jisung blushes a bit, he doesn't avoid his stare, determined.

“Ok. I'll gladly join. What color is your outfit, Jisung? We need to find an eyeshadow that matches.”

It's still early in the afternoon, but Chenle and Jeno know that Jisung feels more at ease if he has things under control and has time to make his choice on what to wear, to ease his mind into the idea of doing it. It's better than rushing a few minutes before they are supposed to join their friends for the party. If they can help Jisung going out of his comfort zone, they'll do everything that calms him.

Jisung honestly has fun that afternoon, and he thinks that even if the party drains him quickly, he'll at least have laughed so much with his best friends before it. They end up watching _Kiki's delivery service_ before dinner, and then cook together. When it's time for them to get ready, they take their shower one by one. Chenle is playing a playlist with songs that usually puts him in the mood to dance, and Jisung recognizes a lot of the songs that are used in his dance class.

He thinks that it's funny, that he likes choreographies so much, but is scared of party where people are supposed to dance. However, he can pinpoint what is different and makes him a bit wary, because a learnt choreography is different than dancing surrounded by dozens of people; also, Jisung is shy, and he already has a bit of a hard time showing his own moves to his professors and classmates, but in a party, Jisung knows that a lot of people also dance not only to dance but to be closer to others, and as much as Jisung has some killer dance moves, it doesn't really matter that much when he has barely some space to move his feet.

Jeno is styling his hair with attentive eyes, while Chenle is doing his magic over Jisung's face. Chenle ordered him to sit on the toilet seat while he does his make-up, and Jisung can't see anything of what's taking place on his eyelids, but he knows that Chenle is using the colors he wanted. Jisung is not used to make-up, but he also feels a bit of adrenaline rushing through him because he's trying it and he hopes he looks good with it. He feels like he needs a bit of self-confidence, and sometimes he doesn't allow himself to grasp for what he knows would make him happy. Asking Chenle for doing his make-up is already a good step.

When Chenle chirps that he's done, he arbors a huge smile, and Jisung flutters his eyes open.

“How does it look?”

“It suits you so well, Jisungie! You're so pretty like this!”

Jisung blushes and wants to shy away from the compliment, ducking his head a little. Jeno compliments him too, and Chenle urges him to stand up to admire the result in their bathroom mirror.

Jisung is a bit shocked at what he sees. Chenle has done a wonderful job. He knew Jisung didn't want something too much either, but it's still incredible. The peach colors that he used blend perfectly, and a hint of brown accentuates the shape of his eyes and makes them seem bigger. The main focus is the little golden sparkles that are all over his eyelids, making his brown eyes glitter too. It's honestly really pretty, and Jisung can't believe it's him. He feels good about it and he tries to savor it as much as he can.

“Thank you so much, Lele!” he arbors a big smile, mirroring those of his best friends.

The three of them finally exit their flat to go join the place where the party is. Jisung has sent a message to Jaemin to inform him, and he gets back a series of emojis and hearts that is weirdly enough totally Jaemin's style. Jisung is deep in a conversation with his best friends which makes him forget a little bit how he's gonna experience something he's not really used to, and that softens the few insecurities he has. Chenle and Jeno reminds him that he looks good and that cheers him on.

He realizes that no one talked about Renjun with him, and he still doesn't know if he's gonna see him tonight as well. It's not a bad thing per se, because Jisung still remembers how overwhelmed he's been, but at the same time he knows he's always happy to see Renjun. He'd like to apologize face to face for his behaviour in the library. Renjun already told him by message that it's totally okay, but Jisung knows there's more to come. As in, he still has the feeling that it could be Renjun that wrote this letter, and what if it's true? Jisung feels his heart beating faster, and his thoughts spiraling. No, he shouldn't get ahead of himself. He needs to focus on what's around him and take everything as it comes.

The party is in a big house that Jisung doesn't really know the host. Jisung sees Jaemin when they arrive in the street, and his friend enthusiastically waves his hand towards them, Donghyuck in tow.

“Hey guys! So happy you could come!” Jaemin cheers. “Jisungie, I love your shirt!”

“Is that eye make-up? Damn, it looks prettier than mine,” Donghyuck exclaims, almost shoving his face in Jisung's to look closer at the delicate colors and sparkles.

Jisung flushes, not used to this kind of attention. Chenle had taken a white shirt from his own closet that Jisung could borrow, and the collar is actually lower than what he's used to, but Jeno has told him his collarbone is pretty, so Jisung finally accepted it.

“Chenle did my make-up, he's good, right?”

Donghyuck smiles and hums.

“Let's go inside and get some drinks!”

That's the moment Jisung should be a little scared, but his friends, even without saying anything, stay by his side and he's not the first one to enter nor the last. He lets his fingertips brush Jeno's arm and this little familiar contact helps him. The inside of the house is already wilding, and there's just so many people that can drink from their red solo cups while dancing and talking all at the same time. Jisung looks around him with a bit of curiosity but never really stops his eyes on someone's face, not registering if he could recognize someone from one of his class. He didn't come to actively make new acquaintances anyway, but if his own friends introduce him to other people, then he'll try to go with the flow.

And so that's how Jisung is in a party, and to be honest? He likes it. It's not like, his favourite thing in the world, bu it's not bad either. Donghyuck has made him a drink with some coke and alcohol, that he sips while conversing with Jaemin in one of the rooms where it's not as crowded and he can hear himself talk. At some point, Chenle comes to him and swings while laughing, trying to get Jisung to dance with him. Chenle gently takes his hand with shiny eyes and Jisung follows his move, beat after beat, until he's dancing with his best friend and puts his thoughts at the back of his mind and loosen up more, laughing and then bouncing to some catchy songs.

Jisung loses the concept of time and he doesn't know for how long he's been dancing, until he feels thirsty, and the new song that they hear is one that Jisung doesn't know.

He tells Chenle he wants to go get something to drink. His friend nods and follows him. Jisung hasn't noticed, but they got embarked in the sea of people dancing around them. Now that he really looks around, the feeling shifts a bit in Jisung, and the amount of people gets to him. Luckily, it's calmer where they can get drinks; he choses to have only water.

He's surprised at himself when he sees it's been almost two hours he's enjoying his friends and the music, and now that his brain isn't stimulated like before, it slowly crashes on him that his intern battery is on the low. It's a bit weird, this sudden realization, but it feels more difficult to get back to the same mood he was in before. It feels less appealing, but Chenle looks like he could still go wild. Maybe if they can find the others, someone would be willing to keep Jisung company.

“Jisung!”

Jisung hears Donghyuck's voice behind him, and he turns around, relief going through him that one more of his friends is there. However, he freezes when he sees who's in tow.

Renjun.

He's accompanied by two other guys, one with a sharp jawline but a really kind smile, and another way taller than him with such handsome features that Jisung wonders if he's a model. He suddenly feels so small – are they Renjun's friends? They seem older, and Jisung suddenly feels distressed because he's only a freshman, and not as confident looking as those two. Shit, he spent so much time jumping around, is his make-up still even presentable?

Renjun seems to glow, in a really calm and confident way. He's got skinny jeans and a baby blue shirt which sleeves almost go past his fingertips, and it's adorable. He seems to already have drunk a bit, or danced, because his cheeks are slightly flushed and his hair is ruffled. He looks like Jisung's whole world and Jisung is speechless.

The last time he's seen him was only the day before, but himself was in tears and Renjun looked so worried. The place was way more familiar, too, in the library. Right now, Jisung suddenly feels out of place, and he doesn't like it. He shouldn't be so scared when he's in front of Renjun, but his feelings take the best of him. He remembers confessing to Jeno that he likes Renjun, and now that his two best friends know about his feelings, it also feels like the entire campus knows his little secret. It's irrational, but Jisung can't help it.

There's this fondness, though, that comes every time he looks at Renjun.

“Look who I bumped into!” Donghyuck says.

“Hey, Jisungie, Chenle!” Renjun's eyes sparkle and he seems so happy to see them at the party. “I didn't know you were coming as well tonight!”

Jisung doesn't know what to reply to that after he greets him with a shy smile, but Renjun continues:

“Let me introduce you my friends, Mark and Lucas. Mark is my roommate, I think I've talked about him before, right?”

Jisung nods, because he remembers a lot of things about Renjun, but also he's never seen Mark before, so he can finally put a face on the name. Mark and Lucas greet the two of them with blinding smiles when Renjun gives them their names – if Jisung wasn't so focused on Renjun, he would have noticed the curious stare of Mark on him.

“How long have you been here?” Chenle asks, and if Jisung feels him pushing him toward Renjun so they'd be closer, he tries to act like nothing and doesn't budge a centimeter. He knew that telling his best friend would lead to something like this. He already feels embarrassed.

“I'd say an hour? What about you?”

“Ooh, we've been dancing for quite a long time, right Jisungie?”

Jisung nods, and he can't really find what to say. Renjun's eyes are on him, and he looks really focused, and really happy, and... something else, and Jisung feels tingly all over.

“Talking about that, I _love_ this song,” Lucas exclaims, and he tries to drag Mark so they can go dance together.

Donghyuck follows suit, and Chenle hesitates, looking at Jisung, then Renjun, but the two of them don't seem like they want to move. Jisung tilts his head toward the mass of people dancing, mouthing a _just go_. Chenle hesitates though, and that's when Renjun finally open his mouth:

“I'm gonna stay with Jisungie, don't worry.”

That satisfies Chenle, and he winks at his two friends before disappearing back into the music.

Jisung is now alone with Renjun. Scratch that, they aren't really alone, which is a shame. The party is going wild around them, and Jisung looks at Renjun with his usual lovesick demeanor that he's not aware of. There is too much stimulation going on, the beat is too loud in his ears. That pains him a bit, constricts his chest, and he stiffens. He wants... he wants...

“Do you have fun here?” Renjun asks, tilting his face a bit to look more closely at Jisung. A strand is sticked on his forehead because of the perspiration, but Jisung can only see how Renjun is glowing and how all his attention is on him. He wants to hide because of shyness, but he's surprised he wants Renjun to continue looking at him forever, because a warm and gentle sensation is spreading through him.

“Yeah, it's actually the first time I enjoy a party. We danced a lot with Chenle.”

“You look good in that outfit.”

Jisung's brain disconnect for a second, and he hopes the deep flush on his cheeks can pass as the product of how hot it is in the room. It's obvious that it doesn't work, but Renjun seems happy.

“Thanks, the shirt is Chenle's,” he mumbles.

Renjun chuckles.

“Do you want to go dancing again?”

Jisung honestly doesn't. Renjun is here in front of him and he can only think of how much he feels happy, how he feels at ease. He thinks of the calm hours spent side by side at the library, how the hushed silence embraces them like a blanket.

He craves the same atmosphere. He doesn't want to be at that party anymore.

But it hasn't been that long Renjun is here, and he maybe wants to dance?

“If you want to?”

“I'm asking about what _you_ want, Jisungie.”

They stare into each other's eyes. What Jisung wants? He wants to be with Renjun, in a quieter place, so all of his sense can focus on Renjun and only him.

Renjun seems to understand it.

“Jisungie, do you want to escape this party with me?”

His eyes are playful and Jisung laughs, and laughs again and he nods eagerly. Renjun offers his hand, and Jisung doesn't want to combust but he also doesn't want to deny the opportunity given to him.

They don't need more word for now. There's something going on between them that makes Jisung happy and he doesn't want to act clueless out of fear like he usually does. He wants to grasp at this euphoria and hold it close to his heart.

On their way out, they meet Jeno and Jaemin, and Jeno beams when he sees their interlaced hands. Jisung is embarrassed again, but Jaemin shushes them outside jokingly while Jeno waves at them. He knows Jisung is in good hands, literally.

It should be nothing, snicking out of the party, Jisung is aware there is nothing unusual in that, everyone comes and goes as they want, but with Renjun's hand in his, his heart beating fast, the feeling that his heart is sizing up and weighs nothing, it all feels so new to Jisung and he's eager to enjoy it. Renjun doesn't let go even when there's no one else around them, and Jisung just follows him in the darkness, with their jacket haphazardly thrown on their shoulders that they had taken in the entrance before leaving.

They still are a bit flushed from the party, but in a few minutes they will feel the rather cold night. Jisung doesn't think of it. He thinks of how Renjun seems so at ease by his side, how his tiny hands clunch at his longer fingers, how it's funny how there heights are so different, and even if Jisung is much taller Renjun exudes an aura that makes up for the few centimeters he has less. It's so much details and informations that Jisung catches that he can't find what words to say. He drinks it all with his eyes and he knows this is a memory that he will keep with much fondness for a long time.

They walk through the deserted streets with only the lamp spots illuminating their way. The borough they are in is not in the heart of the city, and the animated streets are a few blocks away, so only a faint sound of the 24/7 stores and the cars come to their ears. Jisung feels like he's in a movie.

Renjun asks him what he wants to do, once again. Jisung wants to say that whatever is fine by him.

“Let's go get something to eat?”

So they go in search of a convenience store, which is really not difficult. At this hour, it is empty, an illuminated ship at the corner of two streets, and they enter it like two lured butterflies.

There's this special atmosphere of a convenience store in the dark hours of the night, as if the world has stopped and they are the only ones on Earth. And with Renjun by his side, Jisung likes it.

They are so focused on what snacks to buy it becomes hilarious.

It's always so simple with Renjun. Since their first meeting, Renjun is there for Jisung, waiting patiently for him, helping him to express himself, to make him smile, to share his silences and listen to his deep thoughts. And at one point it's been coupled with this warmness that is more than friendship, and that Jisung thought he wasn't allowed to have.

But now, with Renjun by his side, looking at him like he's the only person in the world, Jisung realizes Renjun has always gently opened the several doors that Jisung was afraid of opening to let someone in.

They find themselves at the edge of the river, sitting side by side, their knees touching. There are open packets of unhealthy snacks they devoured minutes before in front of them. Jisung thinks that if all his Saturday nights are like this one, he can live with it.

Their conversation has died down for a few minutes, where only the sound of the water can be heard. Jisung doesn't even remember exactly which topic they talked about. It doesn't really matter.

In the silence, Jisung wonders if it's now that he needs to tell Renjun what he's been keeping for himself. The past hours have been full of hints, but stating the obvious still makes him feel dizzy.

In the end, it's Renjun who talks first.

“Jisungie, I wanted to talk to you about something really important, so listen carefully, okay?”

Jisung's heartbeats rise. Renjun takes his hand in his, and caresses his palm with his thumb, creating a soothing sensation that Jisung welcomes.

“These past few days, I thought a lot about you, and about our friendship. I thought of you who is so calm and full of love, and how much I like to see you, and talk to you, and... And I wanted to tell you all this. I wanted you to realize you're worth so much, because I'm a bit selfish and I want to see you happy, and I thought that maybe my words would make you smile.”

“The other day in the library, the love letter that you found, it's the one that I wrote for you. I don't know if you had a hint that it was from me. From what I learnt about you since I know you, I assumed that this kind of romantic gestures is something that you value, maybe also because you would like to be on the receiving end, for once. And I wanted to be the one to offer you that. So that's why the idea of writing my feelings for you came to me. I know it was a bit hard on you and I'm sorry it was partly because of me.”

“But I would like to try again, to tell you how much you count for me. Jisung, you're really the sweetest person I've ever met, and that's why I want to confess properly now, face to face, so you know it's me and it's real.”

Sentence after sentence, Jisung literally melts and disintegrates. It's ridiculous how he's so flustered. Renjun's cheeks are probably as red as his, but he keeps talking, determined to get his point across, and Jisung is so touched that Renjun does it for him, for _them_.

“Jisung, I like you a lot. Would you... would you like to try to be with me?”

Jisung doesn't realize, but the rollercoaster of emotions he's had in the last forty-eight hours gets the best of him, and his eyes glisten a bit when he replies:

“Yes, yes please. I like you too, Renjun hyung.”

The smile he gets in return is blinding, and Renjun tugs at Jisung's hand a bit, so he would come closer, and soon enough they are sharing a hug that is at first a bit awkward because of their position, but they laugh it off, and Jisung's head is pressed against the crook of Renjun's neck, his own arms engulfing Renjun's tiny waist, and he can feel Renjun's fingers caressing his hair with a warm fondness that spreads through his whole body.

Jisung is happy.

_And there is no shame in choosing happiness._

>>\---♥--->

When Renjun is focused on his canvas, his brows furrowed in concentration, his colorful palette in one hand and the other holding a brush, Jisung really finds him beautiful.

Renjun is always beautiful to Jisung – he's biased, but he doesn't care. However, there's something about this Renjun, the one who tunes the world down a bit, and tries to create in front of his eyes what is hidden in his own inner world, for everyone else to see. It's magical, to admire the colors blending together, taking different shapes, evolving and growing until Jisung is in front of a part of Renjun's creativity, thoughts, dream.

The first time Jisung's seen Renjun paint, it was when he's joined him a bit out of the blue after one of his class when he desperately wanted to see his boyfriend. Renjun has told him he was in one of the art building studios.

“I won't be much of a host though, Jisungie, I need to work on an assignment due soon,” Renjun has warned him.

Jisung has just replied that he would be as discreet as a mouse. He's felt a bit shy at first to intrude into this new part of Renjun's everyday life, but his boyfriend has welcomed him with his usual gentleness.

Now it's another thing about Renjun that he loves, that he can add to all of the other details he's kept about him.

“You're making the same eyes again,” Renjun chuckles, and that wakes Jisung from his daydream.

“What eyes?” he asks, curious.

Renjun scratches his nose, and Jisung discovers with utter joy that the movement has put some blue paint on the tip of his nose, but he won't tell Renjun yet. His boyfriend, with his big glasses and baggy tee, splotches of paint on his face, is the most beautiful person he knows.

“Those... heart eyes of yours, each time you look at me,” Renjun answers, glancing at Jisung for a few seconds, and then using his brush again to blend a spot on his canvas. “For my next project, I should maybe paint your cute little lovesick air.”

Jisung flushes deep red.

“Stop teasing me,” he whines.

“It's cute, Jisungie, really, the cutest thing ever. Makes me feel so happy I have the cutest boyfriend on Earth. I really am the luckiest, aren't I?”

Jisung doesn't say anything – he never knows what to say, when Renjun is like that. It's still something they are working on. As much as Jisung loves romantic gestures, cute compliments and attention from his boyfriend, he always has a hard time accepting them, frozen and speechless. Renjun thinks he himself wasn't really the type to show so much affection, but Jisung must have opened that door in him.

“Are you finished soon?” Jisung asks when he feels that his cheeks aren't as warm as before.

“I think I am. I can work on it tomorrow too, anyway.”

Renjun puts his palette and brushes on the table, and stretches like a cat. The dot of blue on his nose is still there. Renjun stands up and walks to the sink to clean his tools.

Barely a minute into his cleaning, he feels two arms around his waist, and Jisung's cheek against his hair.

“You say I'm the cutest, when you literally walk around with smudges of paint on your face,” Jisung mumbles.

That makes Renjun laugh wholeheartedly, and he turns around, looking up at his giant boyfriend.

“We can share the title, if you want.”

“Jaemin will want to compete against us if he ever knows about it.”

“Don't worry, we'll win no matter what.”

Jisung leans down, and tilts his head, to kiss Renjun just right next to a colorful spot on his skin. When Renjun whines a little, he moves gently, and then brushes his lips against Renjun's. He feels his hands against his hoodie, and the butterflies in his stomach. He'll never get tired of kissing Renjun.

Jisung likes it, likes having Renjun in his arms, likes feeling the faint beats of his heart against his chest, likes having those random conversations that make his day so much brighter, likes kissing him.

Being in a relationship is so much more than what he firstly thought, all in the good way. He knows it's work and he's proud to say that Renjun and him are doing a good job at it. It's not always perfect but they try, and that's all Jisung can ask for.

“You should always come to the studio once I finished painting, this is the best reward,” Renjun whispers against his mouth, and then he kisses him again.

Jisung totally agrees with him.

>>\---♥--->

Jisung hears someone knock on his bedroom's door.

“Jeno hyung, I told you to not worry about me, go to sleep, it's already so late,” he groans, massaging his forehead.

He's been at his studying since the afternoon, and he's a bit ashamed to still be at his desk when the clock is nearing two in the morning. But his exam is soon and he's been lacking off lately and if he doesn't have a good passing grade–

“I know it's already so late, that's why I'm here.”

Jisung turns around, surprised, and sees not Jeno but Renjun closing the door behind him.

“Hyung– What are you doing here–”

“Checking up on my boyfriend, to see if he's not on the verge of collapsing.”

Jisung pouts.

“How did you know that I'd still be awake?”

“Do you really think I don't use my privileged connection with Chenle to check on you, when I know that you have an important exam tomorrow? Well, more appropriately, today, since it's already past midnight.”

“It's so late, you shouldn't have come only for me–”

“I have the code of your flat for a reason, don't I? And if it's late for me, it's also late for you. I was worried, is all.”

Jisung bites his lower lips, guilty.

“Are you really that upset that I'm here?”

“Not at all, hyung. I think you're actually the best part of this study session,” Jisung sighs, accepting the fact that he's too tired and he should stop reading his notes.

He makes grabby hands at his boyfriend, and Renjun comes to stand next to him. Still sat on his desk chair, Jisung is smaller than Renjun for once, and he presses his nose against Renjun's hoodie, inhaling his perfume that automatically calms him down. He hasn't noticed how deep he was in his own thoughts about studying, and now that a distraction is there, he feels the exhaustion crash on him.

“You studied enough, it's time for bed, Jisungie,” Renjun whispers, patting his head.

“Will you stay?”

“Yes, you big baby. I took my pajama in my bag. Now go brush your teeth and change so we can finally sleep.”

Jisung does as he's told, not forgetting to kiss Renjun's forehead on his way to the bathroom. When he's back in his room five minutes later, Renjun is already snuggled under the cover, and Jisung feels his heart swell. It's a view he will never be tired of.

He slips under the cover as well, and claims Renjun in his arms.

In the dark, he noses at Renjun's neck, and then kisses it softly. Renjun sighs and lets Jisung trailing a few kisses on his skin, until he finds his mouth, and they exchange a lazy kiss, that frees Jisung of all his worries and clears his fogged up brain. After a few minutes, Jisung stops his ministrations when Renjun tugs at the strands on his nape.

“We need to sleep, Sungie,” he rasps.

“Okay, okay,” Jisung reasons himself.

It's true that sleep is weighing on his eyelids. He checks his alarm on his bedside table, and the red numbers are telling him that it's past two already. Then, he also notices the date under them.

23rd of March.

“Oh my god, hyung, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier– It's your birthday right–”

Renjun shushes him.

“It is, and don't you dare apologize. I am right where I want to be, ready to sleep, and you better be soon to be in a good shape for your exam, or I'm nagging you the _whole_ day.”

Jisung gets it and swallows back the other _sorry_ that wanted to escape.

“Happy birthday, Renjun hyung,” he whispers instead, snuggling closer.

“Thank you, Jisungie. Have sweet dreams.”

And before Jisung can nod and promise he's going to bring Renjun on the best date they'd ever have for his birthday, he's lulled to sleep by Renjun's sweet hums and embrace.

**Author's Note:**

> * the title is a rough english trans of a saying from albert camus  
> * since there's like a 2 years gap in writing from my part between the beginning and the end of this story, i apologize if the flow is weird :(  
> * i had a hard time describing each character's personality because it's the first time i write the dreamies, but i hope it's still decent <3  
> * thank you so much to @/mrgoldensuh for giving me ideas for the last two scenes!!
> 
> please tell me what you thought of it! ^_^
> 
> twt: [_renjunbaobei](https://twitter.com/_renjunbaobei)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/jeolmeoniji)


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